Missing cat; brother’s suicide

Well he was spotted near the barn today. Which turns around two weeks of horrible anxiety. My mother kept saying she would like to find the body so that we would know what happened. My brother recently successfully committed suicide so that’s where her mind was at. I happened to know–because he was living over in the cottage with me and Tanner, the other cat–that Travis was miserable and desperate and probably ran away when they escaped through the second floor doorway unnoticed in the wee hours of Sunday morning two weeks ago. Tanner was found wandering around in the garden; but no sign if Travis; until today.

I have come in for a lot of flack over this for admitting that i knew they were unhappy but my point was that it was likely that he was okay where my motherecwas pretty much wishing him dead. My son was furious with me. It spilled over into the matter of my brother’s suicide, another area where I had loads of information that NO ONE else was privy to; to the point where, today, after feeling guilty for months, i finally see where it did come down to a point of our relationsship that my brother did it. He used to say when we were young that he was going to build his success on mine and thats exsctly what he did; meeting and and marrying a New York socialite who was impressed that his sister went to Harvard and some of whose friends knew me.

Then, tragically, in the wake of the series of calamities that ended my marriage, I became fecally incontinent. My mother was too proud to address this. So I was here in PA, and at her house, for Christmas; he was here from Hawaii with his girlfriend after HIS divorce. I had a slight accident. I needed to get a shower and a change of clothes and for some reason i just couldnt. My mother didn’t even say anything. I went to the dinner table with shit in my underwear.

I realized later how embarrassed my brother was and tried to address it with an email. This was several years ago; before my own suicide attempt of November 2016. About a month before HIS suicide I came into the kitchen when he was on the phone to my father asking for money. I asked them to tell him to check his email. I had just sent him a message. He said he hadn’t checked that email address for a long time. I had sent a number of messages over time. I dont know whether he did it not. Actually, I think it was only about 2 weeks later that he went missing. In that situation it WAS preferable to find the bidy because we figured what had happened, they found the abandoned van. And then, we did.

He was afraid to turn to me any more. Before that, he always did; and he was at the end of his rope.

So, yes. There is is a whole lot I know about my brother Steven that noone else knows; and, that being said it becomes clear the wealth of information i have that people are always denying because i used to be someone who people confided in. A lot of it being stuff I would like to jettison because it came out of the bad forty years of my life after Harvard as the ex-roommate of a deans daughter, which I am finally shaking loose from. If I outlive my current illness–not pneumonia, but a scarring of the lungs and an elevated white blood cell count–very scary–i hope to land on my feet in an as appropriate relationship with my exhusband and, of course, with my son.

It remains to be seen what happens wirh the cat Travis. I am not in favor of capturing him a d returning him here to the cottage as an indoor cat. He has made himself clear about that. But it may be what my son demands.

I find that the cats are always a help. The Lord has made them that way. Travis has provoked a watershed that has cleared the deck in all of our lives.

Lord bless him and keep him. I pray to St. Francis for him every day and for his brother Tanner also.

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