Well my book is done so I can come here with my thoughts again. I have to either edit it or jettison it but I came to the end.
I have realized that my father fears my book because it asserts the sexual abuse by him in the context of all the other off- beat sexuality due to the sexual injury– for which I have received medical attention–so that it is believable. It is hard; he has lied all his life and he is going to have to face it.
So I put it out there before dinner last night that the book was finished; in the midst of a complex watershed moment; they avoided acknowledging me but it proved through in the end. They were trying to trap me with my father’s NAMI (National Alliance For the Mentallt Ill) newsletter, which he had slipped in with my mail to try to intimidate me regarding my I intended trip to the Johna Hopkins Hospital psych ward, which tanked because they dont accept my meducal insurance. But they couldnt let it go. My mother had –additionally–tried to threaten me with an “inside”call blocking my going there from an old friend who has kids in the eveducational and medical communities–at least that was how i read her behaviour and she brought this friend up again last night. Its ridiculous of course. But she believes it. They just don’t accept my insurance.
This morning I went to my weekly psychotherapy appoitment and had a strange time. The whole last 40 years has just done a flip flop.
I have been just sitting here in limbo all afternoon, worrying that in the chaotic appointment I had lost track of the thread of the lies about the sexul abuse. And then I saw it so clearly, what needed to be cleared up; but I have to wait a week; so i came here.
Yesterday the covenant: the hedge of protection for my book and the protection by the Holy Spirit while i was writing it–ended; or so it appears (as I had come to the end of it and there was an untoward moment where clearly the protection had been lifted; I could see it no other way. The Lord may show me otherwise down the road but thats all I can see today.
Gestalts have come tumbling out of my mind and my past as the Holy Spirt works this moment but I dont seem to reach a place of peace. It all started with Holy Spirit establishing a clear presence in the past week and seeming to take a firm control. With the psych appointment today, though, I feel a little lost. I dont have anything to do for the rest of the day but go to the supermarket for cat food. I am stalled out here in the cottage feeling dissatisfied and stuck.