Accountable for sexual abuse of self

Well the shit gets deep when you become accountable on account of what SOMEBODY ELSE does TO YOU.

Your father expresses a sexual interest in you– you are 17–that is your problem, regardless of the fact that it is not on account of anything you have done. With your mother it is like RAPE in the old days, where they drag the VICTIM through the mud and held her accountable because of her associations and her style of dress and the like. And the quiet, sad truth us that your childhood sexual injury–being kneed in the crotch by your brother at a young age–causes you to allure men and you dont want to and you need help. And that’s what you get, is for him to come on to you. And you are already a problem for your mother because you are too close in age to your brother and she needs to give her attention to HIM and she doesn’t have TIME for you. So if she knew what the problem was she would probably hate you even more.

Well here we are 40 years down the road and it is all coming out in the wash.

The Lord has finally brought me to a place of confrontation over this accountability where he is exposing what was covered over when i came down here 33 years ago– when these issues were still fresh: they used the beating my mother took when I became helplessly physically violent coming out of the torture from the clamped on catheter in the ICU when I took the overdose and got sent to the state hospital: to cover over the incident of sexual inapptpriateness with my father and any other questions of sexual abuse.

I was buried and forgotten.

Even my husband didn’t believe me, when he finally found me; and then, my son didn’t when I told him about it recently.

Now, its coming out.

It goes back to the hospitalizations after I lost control and became physically violent. She LIED to the doctor and he BELIEVED her. DR. WISWESSER asked her if I had been sexually abused. She said no. I know because he told me. He had just met with her. She had just left. Next thing I know a nurse was coming at me with a 5 inch long needle: a 6 week, long acting shot of Haldol, the WORST older antipsychotic medication. It would hold ne over into the state hospital, where i was was going next. I said no. They got 5 orderlies to hold me down.

Thus whole period bbn in my life was like one long tape. I had as n unrecognized disability. It is unfortunate that my mother enjoyed the attention she got.

I won’t say anything about that for now. Only that I recognize that I was a management problem for her because of my disability AND the situation with my father. But this came largely through their poor management of me as a chld; I had had a poor moral upbringing. This led to a very poor reareaction what my father did.

I will only say now that it is FOLLY to query the suspected abuser or their associate as to the abuse. D TV. Wiswesser was known as a crackpot and frightening. He was grandstanding about the abuse my mother took. My father likely took pictures of her bruised legs. And torso? I was blacking out and barely conscious. So, when they took me out of the ambulance in Reading .the next morning and i was screaming and blacking out and thrashing around on the gurney, nobody bothered to take notice of it. I had experienced sexual torture in the ICU for hours and it was just coming back to me!

I’m tired and I will come back to this.

B

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