Red, raw eye

There was an updated version of this last post that somehow got lost. I hit the “update” by button and left it aside. Only later did i realize that it hadnt updated; and there was no record in my drafts. This was a terrible loss as this year’s bad anniversary was combined with the commemoration of my brother who committed suicide last November; and there was so much going on. I am left out of sync here. I’m not sure how to pick up the thread. It is a week later and so much has happened. The single most important thing is that I have realized that I need to start going to church on a regular basis.  All week things have been going wrong in an increasingly predictable fashion.  This notwithstanding, the Lord is doing an amazing work in bringing my whole life, all my pain, to a resolution that is tenable and comprehensible after all these years where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Tonight he has shown me that, with the resolution of one particular, deep hurt that is resolving, it will take some time. I am prepared to wait!  As it has all been a lifetime in the making. I am grieving for my brother.  I wish he hadn’t done something so stupid. I see it in the clouds.  Yesterday, the setting sun was like a deep, red, raw eye glaring out of the low clouds over the horizon.  To me that represented that my brother had suffered and was not at rest.  Tonight, it had cleared; the sun was higher up and bright white shining out of the clouds; I sensed a resolution.  The Lord had given me an image of the clouds generally that represented the clearing of my whole situation, which was a whole sky full of puffy clouds; and that came yesterday with a slight darkening of some of the clouds–the not going to church.  Today there was a rainstorm.  For long I have seen God in the clouds. There is much more to say but I don’t want to “scoop” my book, which is on hold right now cooling its heels.

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