Starting a new med tomorrow that I have been waiting on for 3 weeks. It was approved this morming by my insurance. In the meantime everything is coming out in the wash, i’ve realized that my mother hated me for being born. She loved her son, her firstborn, and i came too soon after. She was so young. Inellectually I realise not to take it personally; she didnt know what she was doing; to disengage from her as she punished the pretty, smart little girl WHO SHE DIDN’T WANT! That was what I couldn’t figure, what hurt so much. Supposedly I had all this going for me but nothing was good; I had no mother love! And then, the being kneed in the crotch clinched it. She turned it into a battle of wills; where her love for me was what hung in the balance, and wasnt given; there was a game, instead of playing my father against me, punishments supposedly for distespecting her : “Wait till your father gets home!” They do it even today! Now, I understand that I need to extricate myself. I have emailed ny ex that I need help. I can only pray that he understands.

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