Miracle Day

I have been tapering off Clozaril, a powerful antipsychotic med; and adjusting to Nuplazid, a very gentle new antipsychotic med intended for Parkinsonian patients. It is very expensive and had to be approved by my insurance. I’m not sure whether it was my strange, Parkinsonian-like condition that made the doctor think of it for me, or not. He just noted that it didnt seem to have any side effects and wanted me to try it. I had gotten pneumonia 5 times in 8 months on the Clozaril, bcecause of drooling on my pillow at night. Also, it interfered horribly with sleep in other ways. I said to my doctor, “Life on Clozaril has become meaningless.”

Now, as well as tapering off the Clozaril and starting the Nuplazid, I have added a tricyclic antidepressant, Elavil. It is used for pain as well as depression, anxiety, and sleep. It is creating a miracle. It has resolved the shootig pains in my brain, which had become so endemic I forgot they were there. It has blown through the OCD so that whole chunks of garbage that were distorting my thinking are falling away.

Now, I am daring to look at the issues.

My.mother has been talking to my therapist behind my back. I am trying to stay here for another 6 months on a promise from God that at the end of that time my ex husband will show up here. My therapist tells me to listen to God. And so do the songs on Christian radio. So im holding on to the promises.

Today I got a glitch in my brain as I was laying in bed in the late morning. My brain was working overtime due to stress from pressure my mother was putting on me because of my putting pressure on my Dad to fess up about the groping when I was 17. There has been so much of this on the news lately that I realized it was tine for us to finally face it. They, my parents, didn’t feel that way; so, there has been silent civil war here for the last 2 weeks. When I brought it up, my mother was prepared with a counter attack involving sone ridiculous assertions about bizarre sexual behaviour when I was a toddler. It was very uosetting. And she wouldnt let of it. Now, she has scratched a hole into my subconscious, as I tried to ride thus out. I had to ask her help in getting to the bank, pharmacy, and supermarket, as it wa urgent and i didnt feel able to drive. I hadn’t been out since last week. She was good enough to fi thus for me. But I had realized that she was tying to the throw me out and there was an ulterior motive.

As i understand it the therapist was supposed to confront me during my appointment tomorrow. But I wont be there because I can’t drive and my mother is tied up as nd she wont be able to drive me. I dont anticipate being able to drive until the weekend; so i wont be able to schedule for later in this week as my mother suggested. I will not accept a ride from her. She is NOT supposed to be talking to my therapist.

The Lord has assured me that I will be in church on Sunday; I assume that that means i will be driving by then.

So, this evening I have been texting my son and emailing my husband. I have a support network! They–my parents–used to be able to do whatevet they wanted. Now i no longer have to acquiesce. So if they try to put me in the hospital they will have to commit me and it wont be up to them but to 3rd party. In the past the mere suggestion of the hospital would make commutable; i would just come unglued. Now, it doesn’t even phase me.

So, tonight I resolved several huge problems that make it worth the pain I feel. First, I am not necessarily going to Hell with over the 2 ccx anortions. That was something I said to myself that was not up to me. So i can finally let go of it after 27 years and allow myself to feel again.

Also, I resolved my concern over the mental breakdownn as the state hospital that led me to stay there when I thought i would go home; and accepted the bizarre chain of events that was kicked off there that finally led to my meeting and marrying my husband.

Also, my son is moving in with his girlfriend next week and the Lord– who at first said they would not marry–is now saying they are fine to and with that I am rejoicing!

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