My brother who committed suicide

He jumped off a cliff in Hawaii around this time last year. He came to me today in my heart after a difficult appointment with my psychiatrist. I have attempted suicide 5 times since I was 17 (I am 58 now); the last time was really serious. But the Lord never took me. I am just all beat up. My therapist pointed to the fact that men are about 3 times more likely to choose a certainly fatal form of suicide, such as gunshot or cyanide.

So everything has been coming out in the wash in my Christian psychotherapy. I am going through a major med change. And I was baptized a Catholic late last year. Through all of this the Lord has been working a miracle in my life. It is where it hinges on my brothers death that it is poignant and sad. I have been lost for 40 years. The Lord is leaving the 99 at last to save me.

My brother came to me just now showing me that he was shrieking and screaming on the way down. This was almost a year ago. There was nothing I could do today to save him. So I put the word Jesus in his mouth retroactively. And he went to his death saved, retroactively

I just wish he had come to me before he did it.

I wont tell my mother. He came to me because he knew I could take the pain. And he always thought i was so smart. For once in my life I didnt disappoint.

What a horrible loss for all of us.

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