A paradigm shift.
From Boston/Manhattan to Buffalo; 1982 to 1993. Englamerica to Canenglamerica.
In 1978 I applied to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Brown, Colgate, and a few other top Colleges. Yale had the sense to wait list me, after two questionable interviews. I got in everwhere else, on the strength of a phenomenal personal essay about running away from home(!) over the summer. Well, I also had some of the credentials i needed; but the info about extra-curricular activities and sports was bogus, i did hold those titles but I reneged on them; and this was my dowfall at Harvard, where I matriculated in 1979. I failed out over my presidency of the undergraduate literary magazine.
40 years later I’m picking up the pieces.
“There is no lost time in Christ Jesus. Jesus is the perfect maker and keeper of all time.” St John of the Cross, The Cloud of Unknowing
Looking back I take comfort in this: my one problematic doubt as a Christian is the 2000 years: that we have waited so long, when the early Christians thought that He would be returning in their lifetime. Even though I can feel St. Peter and the early church fathers speaking through the Monsignor at my church, I have this doubt. But as, through this weeks’ events, the Lord finally brings that 40 years in my life to a close, I can see how ANY amount of time, “IN” the Lord, can be a drop in the bucket.
Its about an unfortunate event in my family which triggered an even more unfortunate pre-existing situation–all of it sexual, of course; St. Paul points out that our sexuality is the foremost avenue of sin; and so it was. We’ve just brought it up in a family therapy meeting and I don’t want to go into the details. Suffice it to say that it is a MIRACLE! After all these years we have freed ourselves of this burning complaint, not knowing that we could, or how to.
In the meantime, my brother has recently committed suicide and cant be brought back to be a part of this. The underlying, pre-existing condition that I mentioned is that he kneed me in the crotch when we were children, damaging me for life. My mother and I are going back to the therapist next week to hash out, and some other things. I called my brother out about this, in a not very nice way, as I was very sick at the time; and I am afraid it may be a part if why he did it.
Well the next as appointment is 5 days away. In the meantime, I am anle to enjoy a beautiful freedom from the career I made for myself at Harvard, out of necessity; and an enjoyment of my Canadian husband and Canadian American son who are, of course, written in stone and, where I can let Harvard dissolve and melt away, my husband and son will always be a part of me, even though my ex is in Florida and my son has just moved in with his girlfriend an hour away. (I am English American and am enjoying living with my English parents just now.)
The “paradigm shift” is from the literary magazine in college in the Boston area which was frequented by a bunch of New Yorkers; to my little baby boy in Buffalo, where he was born; after our trip to California…