I am dovetailing my psych history with my pregnancy history. I am seeing that the very things most untoward and despicable in my life were in fact necessary because they were a part of a pregnancy that SHOULD HAVE GONE FORWARD. At the time I was convinced that the abortion was legitimate because I had a sense of relief as the baby was taken out if me, as if it was sick and dying. But this led to another abortion (the “compensatory pregnancy”) and another desperate pregnancy that went to term (the “atonement child”.) Throughout my life since the abortions–while i raised the “atonement child,” my only born child, a son–I have had physical, mental, and emotional pain over the abortions, including a foul period that dwindled away in my early 40’s.
I finally found relief in recent weeks, while tapering off a psych med, as I reviewed the 1st abortion and realized that it was just plain wrong–no excuses. That baby should have been allowed to take its natural course, whether that was miscarriage or going to term and being a sick baby–if the latter, then the Lord had something say through him or her and it wasnt my place to put a stop to it.
Embracing a pregnancy is like accepting anything else God sends our way: “choosing death” (see my last post) cant be an option.