Taking Things in Their Right Order

There is the expression, “putting the cart before the horse.”

But things can be a lot worse than that.

In the MH business (“Mental Health”), it matters a lot how the patient is presented.

For instance, a patient who presents at the ER as suicidal or homicidal will be committed to the psych ward.

But that same patient, if he or she made it to his or her therapy appointment that day and worked out his or her issue, would never have presented at the ER as homicidal or suicidal.

So, he or she would escape notice, even if he had those issues of homicidal thoughts or feelings. He got to the right place at the right time: the therapy appointment; which was appropriate.

For some of us, basic steps like this get mixed up.

Take ME, TONIGHT, for instance.

I learned at dinner in my mother’s kitchen on the other side of this house that she would be putting down my sister’s cat tomorrow. She has been watching him for her for several weeks. He is very old, has cancer, needs shots every day, and has stopped eating. She made the decision today. I was not invited to dinner. There has been tension here since before the holidays. I went over there at a quarter to six to find out what was going on for dinner and to get my own if necessary and she said, “Oh, I was just going to come over to get you,” to cover over any embarrassment.

I explained that I had been waiting on a phone call all day. That I had been waiting since late last week (today is Monday.) It took time for her to register this. It contradicted what she was thinking. As usual, she operated and made decisions with incomplete information about me and, as usual, her actions also implied damnation of me. The decision to put the cat down at that place and time includes her assertion, once again, that I am a danger to my sister. A real show of it. She wasn’t going to have me eat with them tonight. It was all about my leaving the vegetables on my plate last night. What an act of heresy! This came in the midst of some strange discussions. Which I was able to clarify this evening with the news that I am waiting for a call from a new psychiatrist, and having been working on this quietly through the whole holiday season; that they had been involved adversely in my therapy; that this has been painfully difficult for me.

So, the cat doesn’t need to be put down then. Not according to her logical assessment of the situation based on not understanding about my situation re my psychiatrist. But she is not about to budge on that.

So, there is nasty situation here.

She could put it off for another day.

But she is overdramatic and rather likes that situation of bringing a beloved pets life to an end. As she bragged at the vet appointment a couple of weeks ago, when I took my son’s two cats, which I am taking care of; “I have had 24 cats.” She bullied them into the travel cages and they were wailing all the way there.

She doesn’t want to ever condone ME. I’ve been on the outs with my family ever since the instance of sexual impropriety by my father New Year’s Eve when I was 17. This came out in therapy about 8 or 10 weeks ago. They are trying to cover it back up again. Like the girl spy in the Tom Cruise, “Mission Impossible” movie, “Rogue Nation,” that focuses on the typical actions of British Parliament, (my parents are British), they wont let me come home.

The truly unfortunate problem is that, when my father had a stroke after my son was born when I was 32, my mother cut herself a blank check to do whatever she wanted. He had always guided her. And, no, she did not have the skills to do things appropriately.

He was forced to sign off on whatever she wanted.

Between the two of them they walked down these 26 years of OUR lives (I don’t know about my brother’s and sister’s, well, I do, but let’s not go there) rough shod and pell mell. There was no taking of things in their right order. I am still trying to figure out what happened when Alex and I came back from California when I was 8 months pregnant. Slowly, after devastation, of all our lives, including several suicide attempts by me, a tasering of me, my son’s serious eye injury, and other things untoward, I am pulling myself together after repenting of a really serious suicide attempt 3 years ago. And my brother has successfully committed suicide during the holiday season of 2018.

So, yes, it is important to take things in their right order.

I am praying a Novena to St. Therese of Lisieux, The Little Flower, to perform a miracle in my life. To redeem me, in 9 days, from 3 decades of obsessive compulsive perseverant behavior and 25 years’ being upside down and inside out back on the East Coast with our baby under my mother’s control. I have been leading up to this for a long time.

I don’t even know what to expect. Something like “Cat’s Cradle,” where all the knots fall out and you have perfection at last.

I just keep praying.

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