The Biggest Lie

I just uncovered the biggest lie of my whole life and it was put there by Satan.

Oh my!

I made a suicide attempt when I had just turned 22.

I was such a child; I didnt know how to do it. So, i tried to get pills. I went to my mother’s doctor and he wrote me an Rx for 4 sleeping pills. So, I xeroxed it and stopped at all the pharmacies along Springfield Ave. in Union County, NJ, where I lived at that time; of course, the pharmacist at the first pharmacy got on the phone to the doctor and told me to wait. I had whited out the writing on the scrip and xeroxed it and then copied the writing back onto the blank, xeroxed slips, which I cut out with scissors. So, I walked out the door of the pharmacy and went home.

So, I went to the supermarket or a drug store, I dont remember, and bought a packet of razor blades.

And, that night, alone in the bathroom in the “wing” of the house where my brother and I stayed (he wasnt living there at the time), I tried to cut my wrists. Even though the attempt was pathetic, it felt very serious. Because I reaally wanted to die. But also because I didn’t. Because it felt so pathetic to think that i wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep any more. At that time, I didnt have an understanding of my sexual disability yet. But I wasn’t thinking of missing sex.

But, I didn’t know how to cut. I pushed the razor edge crosswise against each wrist and pushed it through a white part that must have been a nerve I thought afterward. The razor wouldn’t go any further. I was hardly bleeding.

I didn’t know that i was supposed to slash lengthwise. My grade school friend Becky would have told me i was being a “fag.”

So, my mother called me a “spoiled brat.” My psycholigist had to cover a smile. My best friend from high school, who came to visit me on the psych ward, showed her dismay at NOT finding me laid up a bloody mess.

So, instead of REPENTING of the suicide attempt, I found myself in the position of defending it. This was Saran’s trick. Ive veen doing it ever since. 4 more suicide attempts followed. I was finally pleased with the last one, which had me in the ICU for 5 days and the psych ward for a year. I’m only now realizing this as I write. How frigging stupid could i possibly be.

So, now I need to dump 36 years and stand it on its head and shake it a bit and see what falls out because all these years i have been looking at this thing the wrong way.

I am 58 years old.

Have been praying back to back Novenas to St. Therese of Lisieux for 27 days. If you have a heart, please pray for me.

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