MO

Its the newer anti psychotic med that has been causing all this for me.

What a horrible night.

Left at 7 a.m. without even taking my meds. Drove around all day for 5 hours. Didn’t even feed the poor cats.

So, I was thinking, maybe I just wont even go back. And, I realized I had to.

I’ve been tapering off the Clonazepam since last August and now its almost off me but I finally realized that the newer med I opted for is awful. What a horrible scene in my mind. I just didn’t recognize it. It has been so long since I have had the evidence of my senses that I didn’t understand the new abnormal. Then, I saw it and hit the ground running. I dumped the full vial of the med into the trash and poured water on it so that I couldn’t possibly be tempted to take it.

And it worked! I didn’t take it last night, made a few other adjustments and I am completely fine today. There’s a story here that needs to be told. And it will be. In my mind, my doctor told me that “Nothing evil can come from something good.” That medicine was EVIL. But it allowed me to get off the Clozapine, which otherwise wouldn’t have worked. Good can come out of evil, but not evil from good. And today, as I was driving around making left turns in widening circles, trying to work this thing out, I thought about how in England its the double negative like in Jane Austen (“don’t not”), in America its the “win win;” I think in Canada its a triple positive like the triple spin in figure skating. And for me, being English in America and married to a Canadian is all about all three all of the time its about being “inside out and backwards.” I don’t think he ever realized how hard that was for me.

And, today, it got really bad as I got a little lost and realized how terrible all this was and that I had some really hard work to do. And I was crying it was so bad as I kept missing turns to get back home and I didn’t want to be pulled over.

But, I finally made it.

So, I am here. And the cats are okay.

Today Im going back to an old “MO” for the day, I have had a different one every day since all this started with my mother’s death in early February.

Today, it is “Give it time. Don’t worry. Take it on faith. Keep going.” Or any part thereof that comes in handy for a given situation or problem.

In case it helps anybody.

I loved my mother. She got me through. It was her beauty. She was special. She was a queen.

She is still here. This is so bad. But it had to happen.

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