I have let go of the Satanically inspired moment involving my two cats in my mother’s kitchen back in the summer of 1997.
I had been at the State Hospital. My mother and father had recently moved here (SE PA) from New Jersey. I had run away from the special program at the hospital for “high functioning” patients who weren’t making it in the community, like me, and were to be funneled into group homes that were part of the program. I didn’t want to be there. But there had been no other hope. They didn’t like me.
So, on the admissions ward when I first got there in ’86, I got involved with a Satanically possessed man who had been there 7 years and practiced Black Magic. I didn’t take him seriously on that. I had recently graduated from a prestigious university in the Northeast and thought that was a lot of malarkey.
Upon leaving the hospital for the first time, I had terrible fears about that relationship that for some reason focused on the cats, my cat “Daisy,” and the four kittens she had had when I came here from Boston, immediately before I went to the hospital. She was the legacy of a relationship in the Boston area, it was a terrible situaiton.
In 1987, I was totally lost. I had gotten involved with a 2nd relationship with another man at the state hospital on the special ward, he left, and then there was an incident with a female patient. All these years later I have finally realized that they were really trying to help me. Unfortunately, there was so much b.s., especially surrounding my relationship with my family, that I just couldn’t “reach” this help. I couldn’t find discernment and I was slowly losing my mind.
So, I was sitting in the kitchen with Daisy and my mother’s cat, Cinnamon, and they were hissing at each other, and I was talking to them to make them stop fighting, and I had this strange intimation about a “husband,” coming to my mind, just that word, “husband,” crossing my mind.
So, cutting to the chase, about three years later, in late 1990, I met my (now ex) husband, a Scottish man of Clan Chattan (the clan of the cat.) I can’t give his actual last name because he doesn’t like that; but it is a Scottish surname associated with the mascot of the cat.
And, all these years later (3 decades) I am finally realizing that I need to let go of it. I have held on to it Satanically. It was, as I have said, Satanically inspired: it was like when I held on to words from a fortune cookie about my finances–I can’t remember now even what it said–but I kept waiting for it to take on its proper significance in my life and then it never did and I realized to let go of it. I took a lesson from that to apply here. That moment wasn’t going anywhere; it went as far as it did. Interestingly, as I let go of it, I said to myself, “That was so that I would know my husband when he came.” and, that happened in such a mixed up way and played out in such a mixed up way over the course of these 3 decades, that that actually made perfect sense. Except, it gets even thicker. It turns out that it was extremely important about the incident from my childhood that upset me so much when I thought about it–that my mother had a cat who was the mother of 3 kittens put down when they were only 8 or 10 weeks old, because she was about to give birth to my sister.
I am rather quickly becoming aware of how that played out through most of the most troubling events of not only my childhood but even my adulthood as well. Whereby I can release SO MUCH anxiety, I started to say, AGONY, and that’s true too.
My sister, I can’t even speak to her.
SO! I NEEDED MY HUBAND! ALEX OF CLAN CHATTAN!
So, that being said, it is important right now to get that said in a way where I have to relinquish some of my privacy regarding these matters because it is a benefit to me at this time to do so and instead of focusing on this involvement with cats, for the novel that I am planning, as this is now resolved; I will write instead about my involvement with high tech through my father’s life work, in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s on the integrated circuit.
I had so much fun with that over the years that it truly took the edge off of my suffering. It was just so UNUSUAL to have my father bringing home the first hand-held calculator and the like.
So, that’s just the tiniest peek at this transition in my life and my plans for a blockbuster novel coming out in the next couple of years, it is just coming to a grinding halt, to where I can begin to see it.