New York

So, there’s that beautiful word “wonderful” that got made awful by the New York politician who was jailed for sex crimes.

For me, it’s two words: “inventive” and “exquisite.”

My ex husband seized on those words over a situation that was ANYTHING BUT and I couldn’t get him to let it go. And then, there was another situation that helped me to know. A REALLY, REALLY serious situation that leads me up to the present day.

The second, specific situation was over my broken clitoris and an abortion that happened over an unfortunate incident to the crotch injury.

The two hurt words were over a tongue on my ass and anal sex which I DO NOT ENJOY.

I believe in God. Let that be said.

The “tongue on my ass” happened in Greenwich Village in NYC when I was breaking up with my Freshman Year, Harvard boyfriend. I jumped into bed, or, more specifically, onto a mattress on the floor with this other man from NYC and I didn’t have any birth control so he went for my ass. The feeling was “exquisite.” This was rather unfortunate as it got back to my Harvard boyfriend who I was still seeing sometimes.

Then, I repeated the word to my husband when we were first married. He was fascinated by anal sex. I DID NOT ENJOY IT. I had told him about the Greenwich, NYC incident and used the word “inventive,” which I immediately regretted. I could tell he was running with it. Later on I used the words to describe anal sex with him. Because it was so awful. I just didn’t know what else to say. And then, over time, like everything else, it became erotized. Because of his enjoyment of it, I developed a sexual response. Even to the pain. This was really awful.

It developed into a really serious situation.

I jumped into bed with a man in the city in Maryland we moved to in early 1995 after my son was born because I had a terrible lust problem because of the medication I was taking–Tegretol– that exacerbated the over the top sexual fantasies and ideation explored in whispered monologues that I had to crane up to his ear to whisper to him at just the right level; also, he, my ex, had encouraged me to approach my psychiatrist sexually. I asked him how and he told me, I don’t think he knew I was serious. So, I did that, and the sexual frenzy that resulted spilled over into this unfortunate situation. I fell into this total lust attraction to a down the row neighbor who was MARRIED. (I didn’t, of course, get into anything PHYSICAL with the psychiatrist. He was a gentleman and a professional.) It should never have come to anything; but the Black girl a couple of doors further down literally sent him up to my house and I just attacked him (the neighbor).

She was really pissed at me for a reason I won’t explain here (the Black girl); I have already said it so many times.

When we were leaving town a short while later–because we had to–my neighbor on the other side approached me about it when I came to gather our last things. And she told me what had happened. His wife (the married man’s)–who hadn’t been able to get pregnant after an ectopic pregnancy–had just gotten pregnant; and had an abortion because of what he did with me.

This was all just SO HORRIBLE.

So, much earlier, I cheated on my college boyfriend; actually, no, it was much earlier, just the summer before Junior Year when we broke up. I set about it very deliberately. It turned out that he had done the same thing. That was probably what prompted me to.

Unfortunately, I did it with the ex boyfriend of a close friend from high school (a boarding school.) It just worked out that way. As I just said, it was unfortunate.

That all came to a head just a few years ago, in mid 2015; when she contacted me through the high school Alumni Department. I hadn’t really even realized at that time that she had feelings about my one-off relation with the high school boyfriend. It goes to show just how distorted I was at that time in my life (high school and college.)

I ended up taking an overdose shortly after the email interaction with the high school girlfriend. She had involved me with some (?) Hindu (?) “pink” magic and I reacted in a way that really scared me. I ended getting fired by both my dentist and my doctor. I don’t think that was in any way her intent. But it drove me to the edge and I ended up taking a random, small overdose. I just swallowed a bunch of pills, not intending to really harm myself. I just couldn’t help myself. I was “to the wall.” I was talking myself out of taking an overdose all of the time, at that time. But it turned into a serious and really bizarre medical situation that I won’t detail here because I have talked about it so many times.

Slowly, in the end, this has all worked to the good as it plugged me back into the system here in PA and, after ANOTHER OVERDOSE in November of 2016 where I wound up having a one-on-one nurse for about 3 months–because I was in a really serious condition–the first one being a man; for the first time in my entire mental health history–i had never had a one on one before!; I have reached a place of complete healing. I started talking things out. And here I am, 3 2/3 years later, with the help of the Christian psychotherapist I have been seeing; arriving at a complete healing and restoration.

But not before the moment after the 2015 overdose where I somewhat randomly contacted the Harvard, Freshman Year boyfriend and let him believe that the high school girlfriend had deliberately harmed me. I couldn’t really even verbalize. I had contacted him through the Harvard Alumni organization in a legit manner. But, in fact, I didn’t really have anything to say. It was inappropriate. I was just desperate. Lost.

I blamed the high school girlfriend. And I shouldn’t have.

And I was worried that I was in trouble for that.

It all brings to mind the incident with the man in Greenwich, NYC. Because that, too, had horrible consequences. Over my physical, sexual disability, the being kneed in my crotch as a little girl; which had turned into a major, general neurological problem by the time I had met my ex husband, through an injury by a catheter in the ICU when I took an overdose when I was 24; combined with all the medication that was thrown at me after that. Plus, the COLDNESS of people.

So, I’m in a better place now.

I want to help my ex husband understand. I am trying to INTEGRATE the various people I have been over time; let go of the b.s that held me all these years through poor med + psych treatment. We are talking DECADES of med/pscyh mismanagement of my condition and NO ATTENTION to my physical condition except through the serendipity of neuro meds (like Tegretol) being used for manic depression; so, I have to explain to everyone, it works for me OVERNIGHT because of a PHYSICAL CONDITION created by the INJURY IN THE ICU. This gets so old. And they nod and let it go off of them.

Its about my father. He thought he benefitted from what happened when I first went to see a psychologist in New Jersey after I took the leave of absence from Harvard. He is unwilling to reconsider. But he has to.

We got used. All of us.

Two lovely words.

“inventive” & “exquisite”

For the loss of these two beautiful words I will take down the Mental Health Industry.

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