Text to my son:
“I didn’t even see it; how this butterfly is granma, and she came to say goodbye to us. That she came to ME, to show ME, and everybody else that I LOVED HER, and she knew it. She just couldn’t acknowledge it.
Like, how to stay in fighting trim on a trip to Europe when she was really scared to go: i said, “Now Mom, you always used to cry when we went on summer vacation to the Lake and we were packing our suitcases. Just pay attention to the suitcases.” That was back in the year 2000.
And i supported her against my father about her diet, exlaining that there wasnt anything wrong with the occasional donut. That set them both free from a lifetime of panic dieting.
And the rescue kittens, Sasha and Spirit, i put that in the blog post i told you about in my last text. I had to tell her if she was going to save them she needed to do it right and so she took them to the vets and they got the shots they needed and they lived.
And she TREATED THEM WELL.
So, they used me to help themselves in all kinds of ways because they had two other kids and i came back East with you and they didn’t know what to do. My father had the stroke. I had to submit myself as i was needed to get help with MY situation in any way could; because there was no other way.
But now. I want to live a little for myself; for my own interests; a lot of which invlvolves YOU!
I think i have already said that I feel like i am locked in the prison in the past and i am setting myself free!
I’m learning not to ACCUSE, not to COMPLAIN and to recognize my SINFUL NATURE.”
I have to mention, as regards to my cruel-sounding prompts toward my mother, that she always quoted the British stiff upper lip as follows: she said that in high school in England (it was called something else, but I don’t remember), if a girls complained of menstrual cramps the gym teacher made her run 4 laps around the playing field. That was “being a normal Englishwoman,” a prize so dear as beyond all worth. And she ended up HERE.
Perhaps you can picture her. And me. And my brother who has committed suicide.
Earlier text to my son:
“So yes, I’m so sorry that we all fell into so much confusion but i pray that the Lord is resolving it.
There was a beautiful black butterfly that got trapped in the door to the garden here, i will send you a picture in a minute. It died this morning. It represented something so sad; it represented to me the intense beauty here in recent months before Granma died. And that she’s gone now; that we have to move on now. We have to regroup . Its like an era in all our lives has passed.
So, through [name of my son’s girlfriend; they are an hour south from here near Philly], I am feeling more like a part of the human family.”
But, it goes hard on me sometimes.”
Still earlier text to my son:
ThisJUST IN: really critical, i didn’t knowthe words for things, i did really bad things because i didn’t know the WORDS. Same for H–, shes non-verbal. She has to be careful. I am learning through her but it gets really bad.
My cell phone is completely defunct, I couldn’t cut and past from that text message to my clipboard to my email; and now I’m not able to edit the above, the words are eating themselves as I type or backspace! I spent about 2 hours figuring out how to transpose those words from my phone to here without manually copying the words.
As for girlfriend H–, dear, I have been praying a Novena to St. Jude over all this, Saint of long lost and forgotten, even impossible causes, and there was a already an ongoing miracle which is now piggy-backing onto the Novena as Christ’s miraculous provision. This happened to me once before, the Christ’s miraculous provision, where you lay everything out as the Lord Jesus commands and the let him to His work as in the feeding of the 5 thousand. Aomeone at that time suggested this, and I followed it, and something unbelievable happened! It only takes “5 loaves of bread and two fish” (Matthew 14:17).
It takes time. And, the Lord showed me that this time, it is my son’s girlfriend H–. And I just have to accept this.
I don’t at all mean to be rude about comparing you to the loaves and fish, something small, H–, I am saying, this is in contrast to 40 years of desperation, a life-time, even. God bless you.
Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone