Ulterior Motives

Poor Sasha!

I just didn’t know!

The shocker was that her skin was falling off!

The vet tech went to comb her back and her skin was falling off with her hair in chunks. The problem with this for me was that back in November of 2016 I made a suicide attempt of taking a full month’s supply of Lamictal, an anti-seizure med supposedly prescribed for mood but for me I take this kind of med for a seizure-like condition that is hard to describe, related to a UTI related ICU injury in my 20’s.

And, there is a terrible, FATAL rash associated with this medicine. I knew this, and I said to myself that if the overdose part of it didn’t kill me, the rash would.

Then, in the ICU, where I was for 5 DAYS, I learned that this rash killed you by MAKING YOUR SKIN FALL OFF.

So, at the urgent care vet clinic where all this went down about Sasha, I completely freaked out. Because HER SKIN WAS FALLING OFF! I SAW WHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE!

I have been praying Novenas and the “Christ’s Miraculous Provision” prayer for about the last 2 weeks and I was on a real high, sailing along. I was thinking–as I said in my last post–that Sasha and I would live here just beautifully for the two years that I anticipated staying here, together with Tanner and Travis, my son’s cats. I have added pictures of them here, along with a picture of Sasha.

Sasha is by the stream that feeds the water for the house. Tanner is photoed sitting inside where the stream comes into the “atrium” that connects the working “spring room” from the house to “the cottage” where I stay, the latter being a 250-year-old building with wood-beamed ceilings upstairs and downstairs, a room-wide fireplace downstairs and upstairs, a working oil stove that my deceased mother tended to.

It’s just such a lovely place. You just don’t think that harm will come to you here,

And then, this.

So, my father helped me take out the rug downstairs this afternoon. it was soaked through a foot and a half high flood last Monday, the day after we buried Sasha. She went to the vet on Saturday. It was a terrible ordeal and struggle to get her there. I thought she had an ICU. That happened to me with a little mouse once and I just knew I needed to get her–Sasha–there. And I did. With the flood, I knew that we had to get that carpet pulled up. It was soaked. That happened in Florida with a sewage wastewater backup and I blew off the emergency clean-up and I wound up getting very sick and having to leave the house; it led to my exiting my precarious situation in Florida and coming here to PA back in 2012; and following through on a divorce. So, there were serious consequences and I LEARNED FROM THIS MISTAKE: I knew to act differently this time and that is important to understand. I did a lot of things wrong in my life. But the worst things I did were usually a question of downing and doubting MYSELF; not standing up to people who would doubt or harm me.

So, my father wanted to put Sasha down. And I took that as being about me. And that was my flaw. I am seeing it even as I am writing this. It is a character flaw after so many years of psych treatment. Self-referential interpretations of reality. Psychoanalysis, “semi-autographical” fiction writing. Accusations and paranoia. HE TRIGGERS ME! We just couldn’t communicate! It was why I left back in April. He has grief work to do and he was trying to use me to do it in a way that was very threatening and inappropriate. At least, that was the way it felt to me. I HAVE FEELINGS TO! His attitude towards a mentally ill person is that they should STUFF IT and save others the trouble of dealing with their inferior thinking. This is what his behaviour, words, and actions state. It is so bad, over 40 years I have become “a prophet of the psych ward.”

There are so many of us.

The Christ’s Miraculous Provision Prayer is that you follow what the Lord Jesus says–gather together the 5 loaves and 2 fishes–and begin distributing them–and let Him work; and he fed 5000 people!

I feel like the Lord is working a miracle for people like me! and I am the 5 loaves and 2 fishes! There is going to be a lawsuit over this!

Here’s Tanner by the spring that comes into the conservatory. He and Tanner use it for water, it also feeds the water system in the house. There are frogs and fish in there! Trout! Its a trout stocked little river that runs across the edge of my mother and father’s property.

Here’s Travis by the willow tree out back of the house. My mother took care of lopping off some of the branches that threatened to fall on the glass roof of the conservatory, before she passed away in February earlier this year.

Here is Sasha, sitting by the stream that runs up to the spring room. She walked there herself and enjoyed sitting outside for 1/2 an hour. I just didn’t see that she was suffering. I took this picture to stop my father from taking her to the vet because I thought he wanted to do it improperly. I thought it was a threat against me. I am so sorry for what happened. I saw her on the table at the veterinarian, and it was just horrible. I was crying. I was just so shocked. She laid her head down and i saw that she needed to go.

It was like the movie, “Marley and Me,” about a man and his dog when the dog was sick at the end of his life; and the man tells the dog to tell him when he needs to go. She was telling me she needed to go. I had been trying to figure this. About animals and people and euthanasia and what’s the difference. I just didn’t know how sick she was.

I thought, there is no harm if she dies a natural death. If there is a possibility of recovery! I thought there was! I was praying for it! There was still the thought, am I just panicking? I just couldn’t even think.

The vet led me to do what needed to be done. She introduced the word, “euthenasia,” in a loving and caregiving way.

I saw it had to be done. But I had a doubt. Then they said, of course, it’s your decision.

That was the point. It really wasn’t. My father or my sister should have assumed responsibility for this. NOT ME.

This poor little cat was AFRAID OF ME! Because of my relationship with my mother! It was HORRIBLE FOR HER AND FOR ME THE WAY IT WENT!

And now everybody wants to COME DOWN ON ME FOR THIS!

Sorry, but, this kind of bull is OVER in my life. I DO NOT ACQUIESCE to it ANY MORE.

If my father wanted to put her down he should have done it, there was no reason to involve me. He ASKED ME!

The vet gave him meds and he didn’t want to administer them because he didn’t know how; but, i did. Or, I knew I could handle it, and I did.

And then it all blew out of proportion over the situation with my mother’s death and my father’s anger with me over everything that happened relating to that.

Let all that be gone and let that poor little animal rest in peace.

There is a miracle happening here, but it is not

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