This post was just updated:
First of all, its about the rape at the beach when i was 13. When i was living here in my 20s, they (my parents) (world’s worst friends to children) said to me, obliquely, “It happened when you were 13.” A few years later–i was still living here– i mentioned the F. Scott Fitzgerald novel “Tender is the Night” which tells the true story of a society girl whose father has sex with her after her mother died. When she was only 12 years old. And her father leaves her with an expensive psychiatrist and disappears; forever. For HER sake.
So, i was obliquely blaming my father for the rape at the beach. I didnt really even know for sure what happened. I had some vague recollections of something TERRIBLE happening; and then, i was packed off to boarding school and a new life.
So, i said to him, “it does happen.” In other words, i don’t know about that right now, we both know about the other thing. and i know you know this.
So, he said, yes, it does happen but i didnt do that. He knew that i couldn’t remember and he was overtly playing the card, “a simple no will usually put this sort of thing at rest.” He was attesting his own honesty was the proof of his own honesty. He is saying, You can know i am being honest because i know that i am and i am telling you that i am.
And its just so funny because that whole statement was a pure line of bull designed to cover over the RAPE by Steve, and make me never say anything about it again! Thats why they put me at the state hospital. I wasn’t even allowed to THINK IT! I had terrible OCD from blocking it out. And i wasnt EVEN allowed to practice my OCD RITUALS! He criticized anything that didnt seem “normal” And he discouraged my speaking and writing, saying, “Writers expose themselves.” And, i wasnt allowed to talk at the dinner table when i was a little girl. So, i never learned.
Recently, there has been a terrible course in this regard. In the past, it kept me on and off psych wards all my life.
My sister had it good.
updated, here, the following afternoon (Mon, 8/10/22, 3:48 p.m.)
Its like the movie, the Rain Man; where the father puts the autistic older brother in an expensive home all his life. The younger brother doesn’t even know about him. He gets sent away because he burns his younger brother in a tub of water thats too hot and they cant keep him any more. The younger brother finds out when his father dies, and leaves his millions for the continuing care of the autistic older brother.
And, as i sit here with the evidence of my senses after so my years, i am aware of my sister. Who is prepared to do what ever she feels is necessary to deter me from deterring her in progressing on her course of the pursuit a science PhD.
In other words she is full of shit.
What a bunch of bull.
Sure, she had lots of reality to deal with all her life to compensate for the insanely pleasant childhood.
Dreams, a job, and the like
Get a PhD under your own steam, sister dear, and leave me out of it.
I have been in a fishbowl here, i have been aware of her peering in; i have put up curtains.
Its a start.
I have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; here, the same as anywhere else; AND, to FREEDOM OF SPEECH, which is key here, in this Anglo-American family.
In fact, it was exactly the opposite. They had already admitted it! “IT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE 13.” HE was forgetting. HE KNEW THAT MY BROTHER DID IT. I KNOW because it has finally been coming up in my psychotherapy; after all these years.
“I shot the sheriff; but i did not shoot the deputy.” That’s from a 70s song that i didn’t get until recently.
Thats me all over. It’s similar to “pork barrel politics,” where the truth resides in a secondary matter.
I was being accused of something far worse than shooting the sheriff, while in reality, it wasnt about the sherriff, when, in reality, nobody cared about the sheriff, that was not the issue.
I wasnt even being TOLD, let ALONE being allowed to face my accusers.
I am getting this even as i write. Its about the mental health system; even the church; even the court systen; and how people who are evil use it in an evil way and have to be called on it.
They were going to put me away. OR WORSE.
They were accusing me of sexually abusing my sister. I had inklings if ths but i never knew for a certainty. Now i see it. My son! They were saying i did that to him too! I caught her at it! In 2003 when the counselor was coming to the house and i was off the meds! She did it rigt in front of me! To my face. Then i got pu t away. And i could never say anything about it. To my face, they were accusing my HUSBAND of secually abusing my son! I just couldn’t handle it. It QUEERED EVERYTHING! This is my mother at work!.
She created a cloud of ambiguity and uncertainty around the issue of sexual abuse–telling people i myself was a liar– in order to protect herself.