Talking

Talked to an old friend last night.

I haven’t talked in years; ever.

Dont know who to trust.

My exhusband was one of the few NOT wordless people who was able to communicate with me. His French/German influenced Canadian with my Americanized British: he had learned as a youth in Europe how to be understood with a jumble of words; and he taught me to do the same. And, i was able to do the same thing for my mother, who refused to Americanize her speech. There was this weird period in Florida where we were talking things out on the phone, “pushing the envelope,” letting the words fall out in the weirdest ways. I don’t think either of us knew what we were doing at the time. Through it she gained the intellectusl acuity she desired to EXRESS HERSELF after gaining American citizenship and voting rights in her 70’s! After living as a legal alien and political nonenity here most of her life! So that she could be my father’s wife! and my sister’s (the science PhD candidate’s) mother! It was all through my ex, Alex. A master of languages; illusions; a truly brilliant man; a genius!

I always loved helping my mother.

At that time it didn’t feel too good; i was so ill; and i didnt know where it was going;

I am REALIZING ALL THIS EVEN AS I AM WRITING!

IT ABSOLUTELY MIND-BLOWING.

My poor mother!

POOR SASHA

My poor brother.

Poor me.

Poor everyone.

Now, she’s gone.

In place of her, there is my sister who thinks that she is unusually right. I explained this in the post i wrote last night until 2 in the morning when I was up a ll night because i felt THREATENED. AND THATS NOT RIGHT.

Because my sister feels insecure. INSECURE. Over her marriage and her PhD.

Her mother has died.

Its the same with my father. He is scared. He is alone. He wants to put it on me.

Because that’s what the three of them always did.

They want to blame everything on me. Because they always did. So, drop it.

I am well. Good things are happening in my life. Im not going to put on fake mourning and say its not true.

Of course it was a terrible loss and it took me half a year to recover from the blow; but i have recovered now and there should be no further concern OR SUSPICION on my account.

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