So, it is SICKENING, what I have to write about today. I have to go further back, before my child, before the lies and deception surrounding the marriage, before my child; when i was a REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE PERSON.
I drove the PA roadways for hours a day, drinking 10 large coffees, spilling coffee on the car seat, smoking endlessly.
This was after the state a hospital, after the issue of the catheter injury in the ICU that almost killed me from the sheer pain. UTI infections are incredibly painful. This was so much worse.
I was doing terrible things in my mind. LIKE MY FATHER IS NOW! I was suffering from a HORRIBLE SUICIDAL DEPESSION. I WAS SUFFERING. It was mental, physical, neurological, emotional AND I COULDNT EXPLAIN IT TO ANYBODY. THE WORDS JUST WOULDN’T COME. I would get stuck on trying to say it. Something horrible was happening in my head.
So, at the state hospital i had taken a vow of poverty; I didn’t understand myself that I; and the Lord; took me seriously.
I was so enchanted, in my near death recovery mode, in that lovely place; with that lovely man who i thought was my husband who put thoughts of serial killers and blow jobs in my mind.
So, 34 years later, i have to remind myself, i see myself how, through imminent homelessness way back, in Cambridge, MA, the Lord put me on a road of de facto poverty played out on psych wards in the weirdest way. AT A COST OF MILLIONS TO THE GOVERNMENT, FOR WHICH I FELT LIABLE! AND IT WASNT EVEN FOR ME! I WAS DOING TIME FOR PERCEIVED CRIMES AGAINST OTHERS! For a long time, in South Florida, i had a lovely house; but i wasn’t allowed to enjoy it.
Because of my bad rep here in the Reading area of PA. That i used to visit as an innocent CHILD. Because my family had English friends here, in the lovely town of Wyomissing.
I wrote a short story about the man who seduced me.
I have talked about this so many times.
Why did they put him on my ward after warning me off of him? I didn’t even know where I was.
Why did my mother let my cat out when she wasn’t spayed? I asked her not to. That was what caused my breakdown. She had kittens. She was from a relationship in which i was experiencing a TERRIFYING BREAKUP. This was my mother. The neuropsychologist in Florida said this. It wasn’t just the ectopic pregnancy.
When we first moved to Florida, I was up here in PA getting some MH help and i showed the story to the Allentown psychiatrist, Dr. Paul Gross because i thought it was clever and to provide some background. But–whatever the reason–i didn’t get a very good reaction from him. There was a misunderstanding about that man at the state hospital; he had had a girlfriend who went to a university that was closely associated with my Alma Mater. I found this out. But it took decades for me to integrate that information with my understanding of what happened to me at Wernersville state hospital.
So, Dr. Gross had me on the psych ward in Allentown for a med change; when i got out, he advised me to go back to Florida.
In the PHP after the psych ward, i was continuing to express horrifying ideas and emotions over the death of one of Daisy’s kittens, Dorian; who was named after Dorian Gray of the Oscar Wilde novel.
My father feared that book.
Everybody at the PHP was cruelly teasing me over this.
So, a couple of years later, we moved into a very nice house in Seminole, Florida. My mother stormed off when they were visiting and my beautiful, top of the line couches were delivered because she was JEALOUS. She commented that they were cheaply made. It was the nicest living room on the block when i was finished with it; but it wasn’t to my honor but to hers, that was how the Lord worked it; everything somehow went according to the exact color and style of her living room and dining room here in PA.
At the time this enraged me; even while, at the same time, on another plane, i enjoyed the act of service
And all along the Lord was going ahead of me.
Sometimes, it hurts a little at the time but when you get there, all that falls away.
Today–literally, today, this very day, i understand everything. All along it was the ectopic pregnancy.
My mother was a lovely woman. It was along this trajectory—of the ectopic pregnancy– we were all queered by a couple of malpracticing psychologists and psychiatrists when i had a breakdown when i was 21, in New Jersey.
So, here i am today, at 58; my mother has died; i have lost my brother to suicide.
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The COVID 19 pandemic hits every one differently and, as for me, it affords endless hours to sort through all of this stuff.
Its 40 years in the making.