About where I’ve been and where I’m going.
Picking up a huge puzzle piece this evening.
About a summer evening in Reading, PA long, long ago.
Two men on motorcycles; the Pagoda.
Two sensual movies at the local theatre.
A hot dark night.
I lost my heart to a man there; never to return.
So, friend R., you couldn’t forgive me for what I did.
“That was the last time!”
I was the heartbreaker.
But this time, as always, IT WAS DONE TO ME FIRST.
I have a bad reputation for spoiling men from their rightful wives and lovers.
And this time, it was done back to me.
And I have always taken the fall for this without a whimper and fallen back into the shadows.
But this time I have a little boy and I fight back now.
My father was born dirt poor and was beaten by his mother.
My lot in the family was to take abuse from him, not even acknowledged, I was the smaller one; it couldn’t even be seen, he covered it over. Only I knew.; and even I didn’t know. I just knew my lot.
My brother took out my father’s abuse of him on me. And didn’t give me any credit for it, instead, lumping me together with my parents, his abusers, saying in a paper at the drug counseling meetings he had to attend in high school, that we sat around “doing nothing.” Nobody ever understood my love. Like my father, I was so diffident and shy. I backed down, took abuse, put others before myself; but it wasn’t saintly.
So, as an adult, I abused men. They cried. I did understand and so did they.
But, what it came down to is that I had been abused and, even as an adult my behavior reflected abuse I experienced as an adult. Men who I loved who didn’t have a heart for me. And then, tjhey turned around and wanted me. That was always what did it. They didn’t know that they had hurt me. Then I hurt them really hard. Not even understanding myself what I was doing.
I read it in the book by Dan Allendar, “Wounded Heart.”
At the age of 58, I am FINALLY ready and poised to look at sexual abuse in my family and in my life.
I am SO SORRY,, friend R, about what happened with boyfriend M., I just didn’t understand what was going on there with the two of you, I didn’t know it was serious. It is my physical injury problem, I just don’t really pick up on vibes all that well. Believe me, it is playing out in my life even today the other times that that has happened in my life and the impact on the marriage I really want to save.
God bless you and keep you.
Boyfriend M. is Martin, I have to say that because there is another significant boyfriend M.