Inventory

In the wake of a terrible overdose Thanksgiving 2016, I wound up being seen at New Vitae Wellness and Recovery in Quakertown, PA for 2 1/2 years after being a resident at the associated personal care boarding home for 3 months.

After extricating myself from that practice, I am here to give a rave review!

It wasnt working any more.

But, as I pull myself out and the work that WAS done continues to trickle through, I see absolutely amazing progress on issues that had appeared to be dead and gone.

I am actually coming back from the dead. That overdose was so severe, Lamictal, an antiseizure med. I was a hospital inpatient for about 6 weeks (?) before even going to a psych ward, where I stayed for 11 or 12 months, 2 different wards.

I had completely forgotten who I was and even WHERE I was, now, it is gradually coming back to me.

In the meantime, therapist Deborah COMPLETELY retrained my thinking, particularly, habits of attribution, I am healed on so many counts, especially, matters of race relations that lingered from the 2000s in Florida.

And Dr. Behar extended himself so far to me to personally help me in the wake of being turned away by John’s Hopkins Hospital psych ward when they really needed to see me; Dr. Behar was willing to work with me on switching me off of the Clozaril to try another med because it GAVE ME PNEUMONIA 5 TIMES IN 8 MONTHS because of the drooling at night and was keeping me up all night for the same reason.

That ended with my going to the hospital where they put me back on the Clozaril but with a medication for the drooling and also an antidepressant that I did need.

Also, Dr. Behar was the ONE DOCTOR IN MY ENTIRE HISTORY to note the issue of too much unsupervised reading as a child and young adult.

This was a HUGE problem for me that I had never identified as a clinical issue; but, once I did things fantastically fell into place in a way I could never have imagined!

A good psych diagnosis us like a tree that bears good fruit: it helps you make sense of your life, explains yours symptoms, issues, problems, establish a prognosis to help you adjust your plans and expectations.

At age 21 I was blindsided by an inaccurate diagnosis after 3 nights without sleep when I was ill with stress. It was the worst thing in the world. The doctor sent me home with a prescription for antipsychotic medication that was going to make me suicidal, telling me not to let my mother overstimulate me. I didnt want to take the meds, none of the questions he asked were on target; but I was DESPERATE for help and that was what I got. So, I took the meds not wanting to and continued to do so and remained suicidal for 33 years; until the serious attempt in 2016.

The actual, underlying problem was a sexual injury since early childhood. This diagnosis explains EVERYTHING.

Of course, I had the suicidal ideation pushed way back out of my head while I was trying to be a mother and my son was young; but it came back.

Now, I am well. The main difference is the Clozaril–previously, I was on the “older” antipsychotic meds. They are all very similar. They all made me suicidal. None of the “newer” antipsychotic meds worked for me.

I need the antipsychotic meds now because of going on and off of them so many times before running into Dr. Feldman in Florida in 2003, who taught me med compliance in the most serious way. They made me feel so sick and and I wanted to have babies. But I was trying to do it on my own and I got myself really sick. Decades later. I cant even go 24 hours without the Clozaril. Because of the anxiety and stress associated with stopping ANY antipsychotic med. There is a “patterning” both wirh starting and with stopping a given med and when you do it again the whole pattern comes back. For me, with anti psychotic ieds, this takes the form of anxiety and free associating and mental stress leading to “atypical psychosis” Thats what the doctor said in California when I was in the hospital to stay off the meds because I was pregnant with Ian. I call it “street psychosis” because it started with my being homeless at the state hospital here.

Hand in hand with the “older” antipsychotic meds went the catastrophic smoking: at one point, 4 packs a day for 4 years. My son was at boarding school.

So, while bringing around the Clozaril, the hospitalization after 2016 FIBALLY BROKE ME of a suicidal, catastrophic SMOKING ADDICTION.

Also, my brother effectively committed suicide over Thanksgiving of 2018.

So, I see now just how stupid that is.

Not a go to.

Just dont.

Thank you, Dr. Behar.

This post is for a happy holiday season for everybody.

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