Hard Knowledge

On Thursday night, (last Thursday, Dec. 3) I was outside the Dunkin Donuts eating a meal deciding what to do about a psych prescription that needed to be filled and listening to a show on the radio that my car radio had somehow jumped to (I don’t know how); it was about animal rights.

It cleared something that has been going on since the beginning of my sending letters to the Opionion page editors of the New York Times since the middle of September.

I was in a serious situation, in the wake of my mother’s death, over the status of her cat, who was not that old but was sick and dying of an illness that I couldn’t help her with; I just didn’t know.

I did know that she was having diarrhea all over the place and I had two other cats and it wouldn’t be well for them to be exposed to this. Or me. But, I wasn’t connecting.

So, I I took poor Sasha to the vets, thinking she had a urinary tract infection because I washed her bottom and I was afraid I had gotten poop into her private area.

Just now, in the wake of listening to the radio on Thursday evening, it came through to me via, Sister Marie who was my Godmother for the Baptism in 2018, that the vet stepped in to take her off of me and put her down because that WAS what was needed.

I couldn’t figure that moment, there was so much going on there. I saw her abandoning herself, I didn’t see it but she WASN’T going back to the street where they found her; she was going to the help of the vet which she needed to do in complex ways that I didn’t understand at the time but now I do.

But., there were other issues. Because it had become a headgame between me and my father over, well, YOU should be euthanized, YOU (me) should be put down. WE held you through YOUR illness. And now your mother is gone and its YOUR FAULT.

So, I was trying to figure it about euthanasia of animals and people and myself.

And one thing that it touches on really hard and sharp is the ABORTION ISSUE. Another deep shit serious issue between me and my father.

So, on the radio, they slowly and carefully teased out the difference between human rights and not-human rights. They made the point that animals do have feelings, they do feel pain, and they DO have SOME RIGHTS. And, unfortunately I can’t remember the exact words that were used, one of the was “standing.” From the priest in Florida who I went to about the pet mouse we had there, I have the consideration that an animal does not have a soul. And in consideration of the radio show, that point of view is elaborated and considered and verified. Animals have spirits, not souls. We won’t see them in Heaven. But they are to be treated with kindness.

As far as euthanasia of humans, voluntarily or otherwise. I am strictly against it. That is my point of view. I can’t spezk to others. We have work to do in our living and dying and suicide is not a part of it. I finally learned this through my brother’s suicide. I had the silly idea in my head that suicide was some kind of answer to life’s problems. Its funny how it looks that way to a mentally ill person. Because it’s such an obvious logical contradtion.

(And yes, I do confirm there that–through the psych malpractice and the pressure from my family I did become extremely mentally ill.)

It is the same with abortion. Some random person I overheard at a fair near the home of some friends where my ex-husband was also forming a work connection said of abortion, “It doesn’t solve the problem.”

I was so desperate for answers at that time.

I was pregnant with my son.

I had had two abortions by his father.

Several years later, in Maryland, where we were living near D.C., I came up with the quote, “Life is a one-way trip.” to express my subliminal understanding of these issues. I had put suicide on the back burner while I tried to attend to the busy work of a mother which I really just couldn’t do and this raised all kinds of questions for everybody concerned. I needed help. And there just isn’t help for a person with a baby.

Moreover, YESTERDAY (25 years later), I similarly understood that my interpretation and understanding of the abortions was peculiar because of the issues I disclosed in my blog post, “GRACE,” last night..

I had the most HORRIBLE PAIN when they did the abortion. Because of the lifelong and ironic, recent similar sexual injury. I was in there yelling obscenities. They told me to stop screaming and I was out in the anteroom looking desperate and they made me leave.

So, after that I wrote a lot about abortion. I found myself forced to strike an attitude because I got out there in public (in Florida, in the Lettere to the St. Petersburg Times) and said something, and my father did something that forced me out of my safety zone with that; and I ended up spending the next 20 odd years on a wild-goose chase trail trying to figure the inscrutable abortion issue.

Recently, for myself, I arrived at a place where I said to myself, “All abortion is wrong.” And, with this, my guilt and pain cleared and I am slowly experiencing a healing from all those crazy years, and, especially, for me with my son.

So, that is a “good tree.”

As for euthanasia, I am asked to consider it about myself. Because of my condition. Because I have been so hurt and harmed and, with this disability, I am lacking in understanding.

I would counter this 2 ways. No, 3.

First of all, I am healing, The physical damage is clearing and my mind is clearing.

Second, where there is still an issue I have the sexuality app: King Solomon the Wise, author of the Song of Songs; and St. Therese of Lisieux.

Thirdly, YOU DO NOT EUTHANISE PEOPLE. Even if they want you to. AND I DON’T. Only animals. And no person is “actually an animal.”

That was what they took great pains to make clear on the radio on Thursday night. EVERY HUMAN, NOT MATTER WHAT THEIR CONDITION has a SOUL. If you don’t have Christian faith, I DO, and it is my belief and it is my life so that is what counts.

A soul distinguishes us from the animals. And insects. And rocks.

And that is why abortion is so wrong. Because those children have SOULS. From the moment of conception. They were created since the beginning of time.

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