In the High School singing group we sang “Hey There Georgy Girl.” We went to a state mental institution near the school to perform for a group of elderly patients.
This was a foreshadowing of my trip to the Berks County State Hospital at Wernersvile in 1986, where I ran into trouble.
During my third and final admission, I ran into a woman named Georgia, a society girl from Allentown.
I was so sick.
From 1988 to 1990, after getting out of the hospital, i went to live with my parents (here.) I drove the country roads without a destination, trying to avoid triggers for my painful and disabling rage reactions. Sometimes I spent time with friends from the state hospital or the partial hospital program in Reading; and Georgia was one of them.
I met her at Wernersvile, and saw her as a potential help for my situation, which was that I wasnt wanted by my parents OR at the state hospital special program that I had been in. She had a TERRIBLE situation herself, she was treated horribly as a child and she told me about it. Was I preparing to use her? I am troubled as I look back because of how things went.
There was a stand off that I didnt understand before we both left.
We joined up again outside the state hospital at the partial hospital program.
I had a car; I took her all over the place.
I just really loved her, I said to myself, she is such a clown! She had this tall, angly, awkward frame and wore too much lipstick.
Then, she said, “I have needs too, Lynne;” as we were sitting in my car. So, I knew there was a problem, but, at the time I wasnt really connecting.
So, I am working through things like this in my life.
I ACKNOWLEDGE FAULT.
But, I had such low self esteem.
I recently dug out a story from 3rd grade where I talked about making friends with a cricket named Pepinka; and we grew up and got married.
So, thats what they said at the state hospital rhe first tine I went. That I had low self esteem. I didnt take it seriously at the time. I was a Harvard Graduate! How could I have low self esteem?
They didnt even have me on any meds.
But then, I ran away; twice. So the doctor put me on antipsychotic medicine “for structure ” ???!!
Then, I fell.
I didnt know what it was. It took decades to figure it out. The catheter in the ICU, the being kneed in the crotch as a child, the malpractice
All I knew was that I was laying in bed at a state hospital and I couldnt get up.
So, Georgia had me for sonething I shouldn’t have done; and it has held me through all these years. I apologize for this. I was just so sick. I am healing now. After all these years.
