At the state hospital, the first time, after the nearly fatal overdose, I took a vow of poverty.
I was so I was so impressed with the beauty of this place and the loving community out in rhe rural wilds beyond Reading, PA on the way to Lancaster.
There was a beautiful old park; the freight train ran along the edge of it.
I saw a bunch of people living without money and I didnt really get it. I had failed out of secretarial work twice because of my serious depression both in New Jersey and the Boston area.
It was the meds that werent right and a physical disability that wasnt understood yet and a profoundly serious complex of issues that had grown out of my efforts to help myself throughout my life such as a sleep and eating disorder, tobacco caffeine alcohol sex abuse and illegal drug abuse issues. People from college would remember that I didnt even dress properly; this was a sick serious issue for me.
So, at the state hospital, about 2 years after graduation, after nearly experiencing homelessness in the Boston area, I was enthralled by this peculiar and beautiful world that I woke up to after an overdose that almost killed me just from the pain!!! I am susceptible to urinary tract infections and I must have had one. In the wake of my mothers death I am able to verify that she did say that I almost died from that. Also, that she WAS the one who was standing by my bed who I couldnt see who said “Its supposed to hurt,” when I said “it hurts,” and I was trying to pulling out the catheter and there was a clamp on it and I couldnt.
My recent therapist here said to ask the Lord if I have a question like that. Instead, I asked her; as I understand it she is in purgatory trying get into Heaven and she is struggling to tell the truth.
And so am I, after so many decades of living out my life as a book I was writing about myself. That finally came to an end the other day, ending on the word “alive.” Which was a miracle!!! All this considered.
So, in the state of unreality I was in back in 1986, at the state hospital, after the near dearh experience in the ICU, I said to the dentist, who was doing a routine checkup, “it has changed my values to be here.” He didnt seen terribly impressed with me or this remark. But, I found out much later that the Lord took me seriously on this. After some return visits I got Disability pay that enabled me to live without working which was a good thing. Because after that experience in the ICU, I couldnt. At all.
Then, even as a stay at home housewife, I had a paycheck to add to the family gain. But never much to call my own.
So, the Lord is giving it to me to write a novel based on abortion. How it happens, how it affects families.
It will be a return to the living and A living.
But, I am told to wait for a year until I am completely free from the 40 year thrall.
In the meantime, I will be studying the craft of living and of novel writing as I am finally free to do so as the 40 years of psychoanalysis are finally over.
Also, in the meantime, I will be returning here to post more frequently again.
And, trying to find a church home.