Well, its been a long time; but the water is finally well over the dam.
Since Wernersville State Hospital in Berks County. PA, from a situation in 1988; where they didnt know me and I was held on a bunch of lies that I didnt even know. Then, I spent 2 years here in semi-recovery; UNWELCOME at the “Murphy Compound” on unsupervised Tegretol supposedly for the mania but actually it worked on the spells from the urethral injury from the catheter in the ICU after the overdose in ’86. The medicine made it possible for me to stay out of the hospital, but also created a bizarre and frightening condition that I am getting out of, LIKE, TODAY. 35 years later. I wasnt able to talk about what was happenening to me. It was terrifying. My mother “guided” me and everyone else off of any interest taken in looking into anything but the banal diagnosis of “schizoaffective disorder.” Which was never correct and never helped, and, THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT WAS SAID when they took me toJohn’s Hopkins for “a fresh look at the diagnose.” But they–my family–STILL BLEW IT OFF.
So, I moved off of PA and a horrible aborion wirh Alex in 1990. I had already tapered the Haldol and continued to do so. Because I wanted to be able to have a baby.
We went to Texas and entered into an avowed legal Green Card marriage there, “incidental to the relationship.”
Also the cigarettes and coffee were an issue in this regard, I had been drinking 10 tall cups of coffee a day. I had thrown a pack of Marlboro Red at the door in my parents garage where I sat smoking all day and, knowing I couldnt quit, I picked up a tan- colored pack of Marlboro Lights.
After that I went to one of the dances for singles with girlfriend R in Reading and met future husband Alex. He smoked Marlboro Lightlts, the tan-colored pack.
I wasnt sure what happened about that. Friend R said he was “cute.” I didnt really get a “gestalt.” But for various reasons I knew to go to him.
So, within 6 months, we left for Texas.
I just knew that I had to go.
I wasnt able to say any goodbyes.
That is a theme in my life but this time it went really badly for me.
I did keep in touch with girlfriend R over the years at Christmastime and the like which as a pleasure.
Unfortunately I was not able to resolve my situation with friend (“boyfriend”) Mark at the Lodge Program at the state hospital.
My mother interfered. She called me in the apartment in Texas and went to a call on call waiting. She came back to me and said that that was was Mark and that she had told him I didnt live there any more and hung up. And came back to me.
This was a really weird move typical of my mother. She sacrificed reasonable appearance of sanity for insane control deleterious to my faith and well-being.
If you, my reader, dont see this, I forgive you but, please dont venture an opinion. My son and his girlfriend and my father are going out shortly to a preferred restaurant to honor her (my mother) on the anniversary of her death this time last year.
I informed my son last night that I wouldnt be going, as I prefer to honor my mother, whom I loved, in my own way at my own time.
So, the point about Mark from the state hospital is that it was the same for him as for me. Both of us were using sex inappropriately. We BOTH should have just been friends. As I remember he was also promiscuous. I had some issues where I thought I was better which I shouldnt have and I paid the price. It was true of me as for him that we were both mental hospital patients and that we were both held for a brain disorder we didnt have. I was treated as an intruder and an outsider. After I had practically had my privates ripped out and almost died from the sheer pain of the catheter in the ICU was treated as an intruder and outsider. In this contex, I lost control over my body and senses when she stepped into my space after they let me out of the hospital the first time and I was going off the meds. Ater that, my mother enjoyed to take my case and me and my life and my husband and my son and my motherhood in this situation with amusement. For 40 YEARS. And when I asked to be finally cleared of this late in 2019, she declined, saying that that incident (the “beating”) never happened.
So redarding Mark from Reading, he was finally released from a psych diagnosis and was held in the end for a childhood head injury. He told me this when I went I went to see him from Easton in 2013 after moving back here from Florida in 2012. But I am STILL trying to get heard for a lifetime disability from the sexual (utethral) injury (as a childhood and then again as an adult) and my lifetime woes leading to questions about mental illness.
So, at the end I am going back to the moment where Alex said, “Let me come deep inside you. Say you love me till the end of time.”
I was pinned.
There didnt seem to be any reasonable response to this but to submit.
What was he thinking?
I was smoking cigarettes, taking meds, and drinking 10 cups of coffee a day. And I didnt REALLY even have that in my conscious mind as the reason I just knew I couldnt have a baby. We were in the breakdown lane, I had no support even to have a wedding.
So, today, I am finally in recovery from a SUICUDE attempt in Florida in 2008 or 2009 (?), where we ended up.
For the longest time, since then I was hearing weird music. On the way to the Fed Ex Store yesterday to scan some paperwork to the divorce lawyer, the music was coming back to me. Every so often , it does. But this time, IT WAS BEAUTUFUL!!! BEAUTIFUL MUSIC!!! I was completely floored!!!
I had to stop and get a bite to eat at the Dunkin Donuts on the way and figure things.
So, I went to get the scanning done and it went WELL.
So, back to Alex and that bizarrely awkward moment at the outset of our relationship, I see now that he was OBLIGATING ME.
Because I thought that I could OBLIGATE HIM to marry me (take care of me) because he was an engineer and my father was sucessful in the world of engineering.
So, Alex was turning the tables on me TO TAKE control of my situation.
GOOD FRIEND Mark from Reading explained to me about my British immigrant family and Parliamentary rule that helps me understand about the loggerheads we get into trying to cooperate with each other as we each try to move forward separately but connectd in Anerican society.