Cambridge, Mass. 1984

I did something horrible.

Even as I come here to write, I am being made aware that at that time my sexuality issues werent understood as such and it was terrifying to be me.

I picked up wirh Barry, a young poet from Lancaster, PA, wh had come to Harvard Square seeking Literature after a trip to Paris; he found me. There was a reason for this that I didnt “get” at the time: my family in New Jersey was getting ready to move to Berks Couty, PA, a stones throw from Lancaster in the wake of the AT&T break-up. That was my fathers employment.

I was “The President of the Harvard Advocate;” (the undergraduate literary magazine); that was a farce that was being played out. There was another Harvard Square writer at that time, he had published a book, I believe he was living in his car; he was also pursuing me, as I remember we had coffee once at the local coffee shop.

So, because of my sexuality issue I was having SEX with Barry and I DIDNT KNOW WHY I WAS DOING THAT. I just knew I shouldnt be.. It felt horrible.

The horrible upshot of this was that he was in touch with a wonan from the Divinity School and he brought me to spend the night in her apartment and we HAD SEX!!! And her 13 year old daughter was there alone. I didnt even know. That is dawning on me now. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT SHE WAS THERE.

OF COURSE, that was a problem in itself.

A few days later, Barry told me that her mother said she went out and lost her virginity over this.

At the time I was too ill myself to feel horrible over this.

It was the reason that I NEEDED TO STAY In Cambridge at the halfway house that was recommended in 1986 when things became desperate.

My mother had me here at Wernersville State Hospital instead for a feather in her cap;

THIS IS THE FINAL PUZZLE PIECE THAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING ON ALL THESE YEARS.

Of course, I have prayed and repented immediately and prayed for that poor young woman and her mother. I have resolved these issues in the present.

I am a safe person; through relinquishing this horrible harm in the past that was still driving me, this is finally true. It led to bad things. People blamed me. Thank God I finally see it and its over.

These things were held against me all these years. I was locked up with them, remote and far away.

I am a safe person now.

I have an odd image to explain it. It was like I was a fetus in the womb locked up with an IUD– an intrauterine device, a form of birth control; that image is not logical but it is what comes to mind.

I am being told in my mind that she got pregnant and had an abortion.

That is the last puzzle piece; because it helps to explain what followed, and also to understand what preceded: the abortions, the ectopic pregnancies and all the facts and feelings and thoughts and events surrounding them.

So, signing off prayerfully and penitently as the two trajectories of my ex hysband and my father make way for a new norm over all this, the paradigm shift proves through into the present and a beautiful future.

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