That’s what it comes down to.
My brother, who has died, said that I was the worst drug addict he knew.
Since I was 21 I have been the victim of a thrall with psych meds misprescribed.
It was a 3 part question.
First, the prescriver was not competent to treat me 2 times over because for one thing he was a CHILD PSYCHIATRIST and I was 21 years old and my chief problem was my ADULT sexuality even where my childhood sexual abuse was involved.
At that time I didnt have a clue about the clitoral injury from being kneed in the crotch; I just knew I had some kind of terrible problem and always had and here was my chance, here was a doctor asking me these questions about myself.
But, they weren’t really the right questions., most of them were off the mark and U went awaybfrom thetecwith a terrible feeling.
U dad been uo all nightb3 nights straight, I had bern going ti thevER in tiwn, my farherbwas really mad.
The doctor prescribed meds. He said it was anti psychotic medicine. I was very respectful of authority and also, that was my shot at a doctor for my “problem that I had been waiting for all of my life. My father said, “Do you know what that medication is for?” (Mellaril, it was an older anti-psychotic med. My mother had been given that med when she was 24 and declined to take it. I knew because at this time she told me.)
So, I FORCED MYSELF ti take the meds. KNOWING rhat tgey wetent right. Tgatcwas what was going through my mibd as U downd tge first dise AND SUBSEQUENTLT.
IT JUST NEVER ENDED. I took the meds like that on and off for about 34 YEARS. Without a consensus about diagnosis treatment.
About Dr. Silver, simultaneously, in a wildly inappropriate way, he was communicating wirh my mother about me and HER NEEDS AND ISSUES. He said to her, OVER MY HEAD, “You are easily hurt.” That became her battle cry.
I hated her because my brorher had sexually abused me and she regarded that as a problem FOR HIM.
I was regarded as an intruder in my family.
I had been sent away to boarding school at 13. At the end of the year, my brother came back home to go to public high school. I stayed at Kent and graduated from there. I was knocked by my family for trying to fit in with my Kent friends. My understanding in the present is that I was raped over rhe summer by my brother, when I was 13.
Only today do I understand about Kent School, that it is one of the top prep schools in the country. I was an ignorant little British immigrant without information. I deeply offended people there in the aftermath of my travels from there to Harvard.
It was a breathtaking jump;
And I did fall and hurt myself really badly.
Since then i have been desperately scrabbling year after year DECADE AFTER DECADE in a rote and insane way (see: the definition of insanity.) to pick up the pieces in an ongoing, neverending spiral of psychoanalysis that never met a goal.
But, all along what was driving it was the problem of the medication, that I couldnt get off of it and where ever I went I had to have a psychiatrist
That has finally stopped and I wont say how or why.
Only that it started at Dr.Bennett Silvers office in Short Hills, New Jersey, when my family lived in nearby Summit
I had been referred for psychoanalysis at the Harvard University Mental Healrh Services before returnung to Summit half way rhrough my Senior year.
Instead, I wound up in Dr. Silvers office after seeing a psychologist for a few months who had given me a novel to read about psychoanalysis.
So, I was living out this book; because the psychotherapy with this psychologist was otherwise a complete washout; and I was desperate for help.
So, it was the early 80’s and the season for the “witch hunt” for sexual abusers, the topic was all over the news during those years.
I had problems, I feared I was schizophrenic or, worse still, that I had been horribly abused in some way by my parents. At that time I didnt remember about my brother and I had blocked it out about my father. I remember saing to myself, before going back there from Cambridge. “What did they do to me?”