I feel like Ive been on death row for 35 years for a crime that I never committed.
After a childhood when I was held for things I couldnt help.
My parents did something bizarre. They fled here from high society Summit, New Jersey and stuck their heads in the sand, leaving me at the state hospital when they agreed to take me from the psych ward in Cambridge, refusing to pay for the halfway in the Boston area that I desperately needed.
There was a way to handle things and a way not to.
Granted, at that time it was not consciously known in a connected way that I had a physical sexual issue in the way that I understand that now.
But I know now that THEY KNEW that I had a SERIOUS problem in a way that I didnt at the time understand. I didnt understand that they KNEW it. I didnt understand that it was real OUTSIDE my head. She always said, “Keep it inside your head,” and talked to me about how imaginary fears were worse than real ones.
It STILL would have heen better handled by my staying in the Boston area. That was such a traumatizing move to the state hospital in PA, even without the nearly fatal overdose.
After that I was ALWAYS SUICIDAL. It REALLY DID feel like I was on Dearh Row–with myself!
The medicines made me feel so lousy, and, I wasnt able to address the issues that had me like that, I was “betwixt and between,” neither here nor there–dead out of the water in Berks County, PA, after a nearly fatal overdose. For FOUR YEARS. At the time when I should have been laying down the planks of my life. Everyone just ignored me. I didnt really know where I was in space or time; I knew mentally but not emotionally.
And then it felt like time continued to hemorrhage, I had set up my life that way at a critical time and it just continued.
Today, I realize–literally–TODAY–2-26-21–that my all time favorite religious quote–from St. John of the Cross–IS the solution to all of this. “There is no lost time in Jesus…Knit yourself, then, to Jesus, Mary and all the saints and angels in Heaven who keep time in perfect justice because of love.”
So, it is easy as pie to go back and pick up one huge puzzle piece of faith mapped across that entire 35 years and use it to turn around everything for the good for that poor little girl that I was; who wrote a little poem in 4th grade about “Time,” knowing that I would come back to it some day…
So, about Mercy killings, it would NOT be one if I were to die of something right now, it would be murder in the worst way, I strongly desire to live my faith for as long as the Lord wants me to, it would not be martyring either it would be deleterious to the faith.
Like killing Job before he is redeemed.
My sister has issues with me and I am sure some of them are very diffucult for her as I KNOW they were very diffucult for me. The mother cat being put down for her to come into the world was just sick.
Then, I rememer holding her at the top of the stairs to the basement telling her I was going to “thrown her down to the monsters.” My mother just sat there and didnt say anything.
The incidents that I remember involving actual interactions with her as a young child are few and far between but I realize now that my “problem” cramped everybody’s style.
BECAUSE IT WASNT ADDRESSED OR UNDERSTOOD BUT NOW IT IS.