Remedying the Past

It inheres in the present in so many ways.

Im starting with Sasha, the poor little cat who walked up from the edge of the road to a little pet house on the porch beside my mothers kitchen. Only 8 or 10 weeks old.

That was around 2006.

After my mothers death last year (2020), poor Sasha became an issue. I finally realized today that Satan had interfered. How could I have been so stupid as not to realize it. Things would have gone better for her. How awful for her. I repent in this regard.

I just couldnt see how I went from the parking lot that I pulled into when I made a wrong turn; to where they had Sash on the table and they showed me her SKIN WAS FALLING OFF! To where I was holding her alone in a room after she got the shot and they were telling me that this was “my decision” after the vet said that it was one of the 5 or 6 worst cases she had ever seen.

She wasnt even my cat!

Im seeing it now.

She was dying thats all. I could have let her come home to die in peace. That wouldnt have been a cruelty.

She put her trust in me.

I freaked out because of the skin falling off, that almost happened to me over an overdose in 2016. I literally just freaked out and couldnt reason and I knew it but I couldnt say anything. I didnt know what I was doing. It was Satan. I hadn’t had a “spell” like that in a long time. The vet and her tech took hold of me and led me through the steps and I went home wirh her poor body; still under the spell; now, it has ended.

In the end it is always true of a pet that he or she is a “service animal.”

I finally had to let it go that Sasha had debts to my mother and even my father in how her last days played out with my mother gone. I loved rhat poor little cat.

At the vets, when they were about to take her to the back to do it, I saw her laying on the table, eyes averted, as if on the side of the road, as if she had never gone to my mother to be taken in.

I was crying.

On the way to the vet I had had to stop at the bank, with Sasha in a pet carrier on the floor in the back, and I was moved to write in the back of the pet carrier a note that this cat was a witness. After that the calendar mysteriously fell apart and that note is irretrievable.

I had asked my sister to take Sasha as she owed my mother one as our mother had taken her dying cat just a few months before. She said no.

My father kept asking ME to take care of putting her down. Because he wasnt able to give her the meds, which were pills and I didnt know either but AT LEAST I TRIED and he BLAMED ME FOR TRYING. I had no dea about her condition, I had just gotten out of a horrifyingly traumatic hospitalization at a psych hospital an hour south of here after my mothers death and my father was trying to put that off on me also.

In my mind there was a comparison being made in the continuing effort to suggest to me that I belong in a psychiatric hospital, or JAIL, or DEAD because of my CONDITION and somehow my role in Sasha’s death–which was so painful for me– proved it.

Since then I have recognized, reported, and addressed the serious issue of a Satanic thrall in my life, not only going back to Wernersville State Hospital days but also to my childhood, when my mither had an ectopic pregancy AFTER seeking and then refusing psych care and all this brought a Satanic influence on all of us. Evidenced by her putting down a mother cat that had just had kittens when she WAS ABLE to have another child– my sister–born on Friday the 13th!!! And she–my mother–reportedly was reading the novel “The Godfather” on the maternity ward.

She also reported my brother spinning around on the floor at the supermarket as a child and how she proclaimed that she was “following Spock” (Dr. Spock, the popular child care advocate of the 60s; my Catholic, Project Rachel counselor in Florida said of him, “What a loon!”) To me the image of spinning like that is clearly Satanic and I certainly remember my poor brother like that.

Our childhoods were horrible.

This goes to my mothers last wishes. Where she had communicated a bunch of B S. to my Long Island sister-in-law about my psych status and history, the LAST THING I NEED TO DO is bring it all out again but there was something about how she said I put a PEPPER SHAKER IN my VAGINA when I was 2 YEARS OLD and when I report THIS BIZARRE LIE to people, they BELIEVE IT HAPPENED!.

So, Mom, i have heard you today talking to me from purgatory telling me DO report it about Sasha and the witness and I have done it.

You have left us with your 40- year procrastination list and I was one of items.

Poor Steven! What happened, Mom?

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