About Evil

I posted yesterday about my baby’s poor little eyes, how I was afraid I hurt him.

Something evil happened.

I loved him so much. He was like a little angel, gleaming pure white. He had almost died when he was born. But to me everything about him was so beautiful but, I couldnt pick him up, it was like I couldnt use my arms to hold him. The spasms, the OCD.

So, towards the time when my mother came to take him away from me I saw him in his little swing and to me somehow it was like he was in a million pieces and afterward I feared that that was real and was because I had dropped you so many times! I dont know what that was about and it was horrible so I called Judith and she got in the car in a minute and drove 7 hours from here to Buffalo to help. Dad comforted me saying it was because I took the medicine that didnt agree with me, an antidepressant for OCD, I dont remember the name.

It was a mixed bag with her. It wasnt until after that that she took you. Another time you were up all night standing in your crib since early in the morning and I had been having trouble for awhile and she got angry and she took you saying I had harmed you and put me in the hospital in Maryland and when I got there she did something to block me from you so that I couldnt speak. Since then it has been one long trajectory of anger and jealousy and FEAR.

I COULDNT REACH YOU! I knew that you were there but I couldnt connect. Same as with Dad. We didnt make eye contact. I dont even remember now. Maybe it was because he was so blind. Something happened when we met.

So, from the beginning there was this situation about eyes and connecting.

Your poor little eye was harned and you denied it. Obiously that was terrifying.

I was in trouble at day care because we didnt appear to know each other They requested ID and my DL showed my maiden name. That was why I had to change my name to Mackintosh, which Dad didn’t want.

The same thing happened every time I went to pick you up at Farragut.

There was nothing I could do or say.

Except come back here decades later trying to explain to you that I really was your mother!!!!!!

Sobbing. Praying.

The LORD knew it.

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