My poor body

…is destroyed.

At first, it was my wrists.

Those little cuts bode ill for me in the most serious ways.

Then, the OD at 24 ironically compounded the damage from being kneed in the crotch as a little girl because the routine catheter hurt. The most noticeable impact right away was that I couldnt feel anything when I peed. Then I was losing urine and it was a dull tedium to go to the bathroom. And, my blood pressure was all fd up and never came back. They said it was “athletic blood pressure” and a good thing but it was from the OD and NOT a good thing. I associated it with the survival years, from1986 to 2000’s, when I was in an “alternative reality” from the state hospital: that was how my ex put it. More recently, with old age I have high blood pressure; from where ordinary anxiety took over and the borders of my life became obscured.

Other than brain and body general damage from 2 extremely severe suicide attempts In 2009 (?) and 2016, the worst damage is the big stomach from taking Depakote in the 90’s that never went away: the eye focus problems fron compulsively wiping at my eyes because of my weird OCD; and. FINALLY. TEARING AT MY SKIN. ALL OVER MY BIDY, EVEN ON MY FACE. FROM SEVERE, PSYCHOTIC BUG PHOBIA that grew out of social alienation and paranoia, SEXUAL injury and the stress of a mother. Yes. With all this going in I was reporting for duty as my sons mother.

I have to point out that the bug phobia WASNT truly psychotic as it was FEAR outweighing my reason. I was able to be reasoned out of It. It came back 3 times and each time that person reasoned me out of it. Then it stopped and hasn’t come back.

Oh, and the spasms working through the curvature in my spine down my right side made me lame and I had a pinched nerve in my neck that also caused severe pain. This was also OCD related but it is too bizarre to explain how that was possible. Around 2005 I got an obscure analgesic for it called orphenadrine citrate that was a miracle. I took it for about 2 years when my son was in boarding school. Then, recently, I was given Robaxin, a muscle relaxant for another year or so; with this help, the OCD which grew up around the spasms and shooting pains in my body and brain; have finally gone into remission during these 3 years in this lovely cottage in the family home here in PA.

So, i couldn’t take care of a horse right when I was in high school and he was taken away from me.

I wrote about this just after my son was born. I didnt realize what I was saying. I was just thrilled that I was writing again because, while I was taking Tegretol, an antiseizure medication, I lost my physical ability to write. I couldnt even write a check. I had also lost basic arithmetic.

I lost track of the damage over time and there was a sense of unreality about it. Especially about the weight. In the end, my weight spiked up over 200 pounds when we were living Florida in the late 2000’s.

I was quite numb. It made me seem to be extremely rude, violent callous, and abusive and, at the time all I was aware of was the hevdued k dull pain shame and unreality.

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