Egg yolks

OMG im so sorry.

I apologized to the community last night; but it wasnt enough.

I need to explain myself.

About the overdose, not in 2016. But the one in 2014 (?) (2015?) When I was living in South Allentown.

My father had moved me there against my wishes. I had wanted to move to the apartment complex in Quakertown. I wasnt consciously thinking it then; but I knew about the psych care boarding home and practice there that I DID end up going to in 2017. And, there was another major practice south a little way that I didnt know about yet; but I wound up going there at that time.

In 2015 I moved again because of the overdose in South Allentown. ONCE AGAIN, my father commandeered my move. ONCE AGAIN. He was paying for the actual move. ONCE AGAIN, I was trying to go to Quakertown and he said “Move closer.”

THERE WASNT A SINGLE PROVIDER IN THE LEHIGH VALLEY AREA WHO WOULD SEE ME.

it was reminiscent of the situation in the early 90s when I left town. I was ill and pregnant and there wasnt a single doctor I could call on. It ended in a horrifying AWAKE abortion.

Then, i went out West to California and forgot about it, had another abortion with the same man–whom I had married. Thought I was going to Hell, got pregnant with my son and came back to deal with mess; his father and I did the right thing and made a real marriage out of it for our son’s sake. All a sudden I am realizing, he is grown, he is raised, he is living on his own, has a steady girlfriend!!! Its a miracle!!!

He is 27 years old, a wise and sensible young man.

I can stop and take a breath!!!

I havent, since the moment the ob/gyn in California held my hand and said, “You’re going to have a little boy!” All I knew was that he had to get born.

So, backing up to the minor overdose in 2014/15 that had tragic consequences, I see how the Lord was leading me to help my son.

As I said, it waa a horrifying situation. I had been saying terrible things about Allentown in my blog, bringing up the Billy Joel song about it and the like. I was blogging really weirdly about things such as “stabbing my mother’s clit” and that my real father was a plumber out in Greensburg in NW PA vwhere rhey lived after coming here from England (not true about the plumber.) A lot of really crazy stuff and I really didnt know that it was getting out!

So, I dont really remember the timing of all of this. Its been more than 4 years since the nearly fatal 2016 overdose.

I just know that the scenes and sites of Florida were still omnipresent and it was like a whole new PTSD that I brought to the community here that wasnt appreciated.

And, something really weird happened. In utter desperation, in the late afternoon of my mother and fathers wedding anniversary in August of 2014 (5?) I randomly downed a few pills. I had been fighting the urge for months. I thought I didnt take enough of the pills to cause any real harm. But, I called 911 for an ambulence and the police came and then an ambulence arrived just as my parents did and the ambulence took me.

It turned out that even a small amount too much of he antidtepressabts I took could severely damage my heart. Worse still, I asked for the charcoal shake that they used to give for an overdose. They said they dont pump your stomach any more but they said they would give me the charcoal and they did .

Unfortunately, with the lower GI disorder which was still a very severe problem at that time, I wasnt able to pass the charcoal.

About 2 weeks later, at the psych ward I was sent to in Philipsburg, NJ, I still hadn’t. And an AWFUL scene arose.

After days of begging and wailing and yelling at the nurses station for help, I said to myself, “Life’s a bitch” and started to pull the stool in question out of my bottom with my fingers, it DID come out and that was WELL but something HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

I was discharged from the hospital a couple of days later with ALL OF MY MEDICATIONS CHANGED.

But it wasnt just the med change. I realized YEARS LATER what happened. It was because of pulling the shit out of my ass. It was so bad my bottom was distended. And it did something weird to me. My eyes went funny and it felt like my hands and feet were retracting. I couldnt get warm in the apartment, it was summer and the A/C was on. I was jumping up and down trying to get warm. Then, 2 little boys came to the door for something and I felt horribly embarrassed. I wasnt wearing a bra. I closed the door and they were still out there. I was terrified. After a long time they left. Then I put on a jacket and went out into the summertime heat and walked about 20 blocks. I wound up at the Turkey Hill by my apartment, I was enough of a regular there that I could stop for a pack of cigarettes even in that condition.

A short while later I was on the phone to my mother saying “please take me back.” I didnt even know that I had THOSE feelings of rejection; but thats what I said to her. Please let me be a part of the family again.

So they were there within minutes, they were always like that.

But, I didnt go well and we came back here and at 3 in the morning and I was out in the driveway yelling and screaming.

So, after about an hour of this they finally. bit the bullet and called the ambulence and I yelled all the way to the Lehigh Valley ER.

After that it was a long, bizarre, and terrifying story.

And, I’m only going to tell one part if it. Ultimately I was led to the more completely shut down overdose in 2016 that was nearly fatal.

But, this one I need to pick up for how I got there.

I was on a physical medicine floor in a 2-bed room with a one on one nurse; and I have written previously abour the weird stuff that was going through my mind about a poisonous mass on a barge that was being refused everywhere. (Obviously about the charcoal.)

While that was going down there was also something going on in my mind with the older woman in the other bed who was Hispanic, her son was with her. In my mind I felt like I was trying to talk with her that’s all. She seemed to be a lovely old woman (and I’m thinking, what about me, I must have been 54!)

So, there was some weird stuff about being in a dirt space under a house in my block in Florida where children were coming to play and there were weird things in the dirt.

And then, the egg yolks.

In my mind I was a guest in some one’s home, it was time to cook. There was a bowl with four or five egg yolks. I knew they were Ians brains and they were set aside. But somehow they were put in the microwave.

Next thing I remember they were being launched across the sky from a launching pad as ethereal strings across the night sky. And I said to myself Thats Ian and it was so sad.

So, that happened in 2014 or 15 and I was on the psych ward for a while in a bizarre condition, then, the partiaL hospital.

I moved to the apartment in Trexlertown and fashioned a book out of my blogs and self-published it. This kept me alive for awhile. Looking back, i venture that it reflects Ian during his chubbier phases as baby. At that time he was deep in the throes of an opioid addiction.

And, Ian, i have to tell you, how beautiful to me it was that we shared a little time there together in Trexlertown, the opioids weren’t safe but the relationship felt more safe than at other times.

So, now, its now; and im beginning to be ready to move on. Blessings on everybody who has helped with this situation or is helping or will be

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