First of all, Its going.
After 33 years. Going back to when I really started coming apart, at the Lodge Program at Wernersville State Hospital in Berks County, PA, in 1987, when I was 26.
Years later, I became acquaintainted with the Catholic Universal Prayer by Pope Clement XI which is very long and exhaustive. In one part it says, “Let me do what you ask of me, the way you ask me, for as long as you ask me, BECAUSE you ask me;” and I realized in kind of a subliminal way that that applied to my mentally PAINFUL OCD. it was IMPOSSIBLE what I was going through. But, there the Lord steps in here today reminding me ofJob. First of all, nothing is impossible with God and, second, the Lord never gives you more than you can stand.
I call to mind Job’s final words when the Lord is restoring him: “I had heard of you by the hearing of my ear, but now my eye sees you. I despise myself, and repent in dust in ashes.”
So, today, as for the last few weeks. The Lord has been gradually taking the OCD off of me.
It was like I slowly woke up and said, “What am I doing this for?”
One thing that I see is that the condition and the relief of it are a witness in so many ways. I was the most profoundly “fragile” container for God to shine his light through and the healing has happened in such a miraculous and visible way.
Actually, there were two strong reasons for this. One was finally confronting the Satanic presence going back to Wernersville but also to my childhood when my mentally ill mother had an ectopic pregnancy and had the mother cat put down for my sister to be born when she (my mother) got pregnant several years later. After that I pretty much took a beating. Then, once that–rge Satanic presence was recently addressed–and everything else trickled through, i found myself back in touch (in my mind) with the Cambridge psychoanalyst whom I had been disconnected from when they brought me back here from the Boston area in 1986. That was so traumatizing, I never got over it.
These two things, seeking the exorcism of the Satanic influence and falling back in step with the old trail of psychoanalysis; have together worked this change; after so many years of prayer.
Over the years that followed I touched base with Dr. Penn, the psychoanalyst, fnally letting go of him in Florida where he could no longer help me. But, recently, the thread of that psychoanalysis has been proving through. There were a lot of bricks laid down during the years that i sat in the chair in his office, the pointing out of the importance of the ectopic pregnancy being one of them.
So, the salient feature of my condtion even as a child and young adult before I was in any kind of treatment was my OCD.
That mostly showed up as an OCD eating and dieting issue and then as a SEXUAL OCD. Both of these occured because of the clitoral injury from being kneed in the crotch by my brother. All these thiughts and related feelings and behaviors are healing now because the bad nerve finally shriveled up and went away back in late 2016 before the Thanksgiving overdose and thats probably the real reason for the overdose. I was laying in bed one evening in my apartment and had this weird feeling like the nerve pulsed down my left inner thigh and was gone. its hard to explain, but, after that I was sleeping in the weirdest positions with my legs all splayed out at a huge angle; this can probably be documented by the psych words I went to afterward, after the overdose that followed.
Now that is under control. That nerve is just plain gone. Sleeping isn’t what it should be but I AM able to get adequate rest and I AM NOT in pain any more and I DO NOT have that tiny little pain signal coming to my mind all day long as I used to. There is an awareness of absence of pain that is pleasant in itself at times and at other times feels tedious and distressing and sad; but generally the feeling of relief from decades of agony is enough to validate a long, continuing life for me for me to get into Heaven because I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO DO ANYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE!!!
I was busy all day every day fighting off these stupid negatives that were being put in my plate.
FINALLY, I learned to pray FOR MYSELF. It was so bad there really wasnt even a “ME”!!! I was nameless and faceless. I just did it the other day for rhe first time in my life! I prayed to God for ME!!! And I finally realized it.
I have to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. God gave me this body and this life for a reason!!!
The old OCD used to COMPLETELY preoccupy me and WAS a question of my mind and body trying to control the pain messages. 3 tines in a split second I would get shooting pains in my head. Triggered by just about anything. A neighborhood ice cream truck jingle. The bell at the school around the corner, the train whistle at the train museum behind us. I am thinking if the house we rented in Perris, CA where I got pregnant with Ian.
Then there were triggers like trying to put out a cigarette safely, my lips touching or a hair falling across my face. Anything like that could cause an insanely painful, stressful RAGE REACTION. i was COMPLETELY debilitated by this condition and although it was visible nobody really understood what was going on. I wasnt able to talk about it. Triggers such as I have mentioned brought a fraction of a second’s distraction and insane and intense fear because of pain. Because, when it first started, here at this house where I am now, back in the late 80’s, my mother was TORTURING ME by “boarding me” through a moments distraction like that; it laid down an insane panic condition as I was terrified as to her sanity. My mind/ body reacted in ways I couldn’t do anything about. It all had to do with the incident at the state hospital when I was 26 and now I am finally able to come back and say so.
So, finally, regarding the OCD, the worst part of it was the SEXUAL OCD.
This was what got me into serious trouble in my life.
I am so sorry for the men whom I hurt through this. But, as with prayer and taking care of myself, I mostly hurt myself. I had a child and a husband waiting for me. 3 children. 2 I lost through easily available legal abortion.