Road Kill

Its about Dr. Gross in Allentown 24 years ago.

He just didnt understand.

He saw it about the sexual OCD because I was carrying on with a male patient who had just been pulled from the river. Generally that’s who I picked on, VULNERABLE PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF. Also because I had written a story about my relationship with David at Wernersville State Hospital and I gave it to him to read for information about my background. And, worst of all, he probably knew(and didnt say) about Allentown society girl Georgia whom I knew from the Lodge Program at the state hospital and whom I had visited at the Allentown Hospital psych ward where I saw Dr. Gross several years later after I had left town, moved out West, and then returned back East with the baby. We were living in Florida but I was having a hard time getting the treatment I needed there and I got Dr. Gross’s name from John’s Hopkins Hospital psych ward where i had been a patient in 1994.

So, he changed me to a newer antipsychotic med and my mother encouraged me to go to the psych ward after a couple of days (or, took advantage when I questioned whether I should.)

So, I wound up on a whole battery of psych meds–FIVE, in fact; and went back to Florida.

It was a horrible experience at the Allentown Hospital.

Regarding my ex, he said, “you pick the wrong ones.”

But, I realized JUST NOW that he was really talking about Davis and the patient I was hanging out with on the Allentown psych ward where he was treating me.

And with that, I have a totally different perspective on what happened next when I returned to Florida because I realized that Dr. Gross followed me to Treasure Island there, iur next abode, in a way that I didnt understand and that I needed to adjust his interpretation of me all these years later because it drove me way down a bad road.

In the Partial Hospital Program that followed, they were teasing me about my grief over a cat that had died about 8 years earlier; they shouldnt have. That situation was so serious for me.

I have just reviewed it in my mind and realized that I never let go of it, or reset the switches on that grief back to normalcy I see that it got mixed up in my mind with the abortions My Ex is a Scottish person of Clan Chattan, Clan of the Cat.

The stuff about fellow mental patient Georgia was true. i’m finally able to let go of that and a lot of other things myself because I myself understood about the SEXUAL OCD which I finally posted about last night.

I just couldnt control it. At that time it took the form of inappropriate relationships with men and sick & serious as shit masturbation which it was REALLY HARD TO LOSE; but I did. Someone in Florida helped me WHOM I WILL NEVER FORGET.

So, as I have boldly stated so many times (and now I can finallt quit), there was a PHYSICAL SEXUAL component to this sexual OCD that is remedied as I discussed in my post, “About the OCD” last night.

But, I acknowledge that I harmed and hurt Georgia and I am desperately sorry for this. It was a masturbation issue and I knew her history and that made it really bad. I had other experiences like that that were similarly awful because if this PHYSICAL OCD issue. But, this issue with her was weird. I have followed her all over the country. Everywhere I go I see signs of her. She went to California in a theatre company before I went there, I remember her talking about it. Then, when I went to the psych hospital in Rockville, MD, it was the same one she had always talked about. I remembered the name. Then, I recognized her at a clinic in Florida and then ran into her on a psych ward there. She denied she knew me and had changed her name. But I knew her university in D.C.. and was able to verify her.

In the hospital in Allentown where I went for the med change, I went to a prayer group. I was doing so horribly there. I was so overweight and so lost and I had become aggressive and intrusive through the extremes of my marriage and motherhood. The group leader had everyone pray for me to see a visible sign of God’s presence and I did: a patient named “Gabriel” (read, “Gabriel Archangel”) who I remembered from a decade before in the city psych ward in Reading; we had both went to WernersvilleState hospital. He, too, had escaped to a lovely marriage and was living in the Allentown area and he KNEW ME!!! I hadnt seen a friend in sucha long time!

This was such a powerful witness to me. It carried me through all the decades that lead me to today. The real presence of the Lord.

I went back to Florida and continued listening to Spirit FM, the local Catholic radio station. Shit happened. But, I am alive, and so is my sin.

So, about the cats.

After the grey cat, “Dorian,” was killed on the road at the edge of this property back in 1998 or 1999, the MENTAL OCD, which was largely a CONTROL ISSUE, and was also closely associated with the sexual injury as well as the Tegretol which caused disorganizing rage reactions; with all this going on, the. MENTAL OCD, which was physical unbearable, in MANY WAYS blew out of control.

I met my ex husband at a singles dance in Reading.

Shortly afterward he moved to Bucks County and I visited him there. At that time, Georgia was a patient at a home in Quakertown and I had visited her there shortly before meeting my Ex husband. I had to drive nearby her on the way to Montgomeryville to see my Ex and I got a sick chill every time I drove by there.

As far as Dorian I was deeply distreseed and had been for about a year. It was a serious situation. I was in the habit of driving the county roads alone and stopping at places for coffee. Everywhere I went there was road kill. Thats just the way it was here back then.

What I am trying to show is how deeply distressed my mental and emotional condition was at that time. To address the MENTAL and SEXUAL OCD because it has largely stopped and I needed to be forgiven.

I was so ill.

There is beauty, love, wonder, freshness in my life today That stuff is bad shit that needs to be addressed and then eliminated thats all. Thats what I am trying to do. Thats what they said on the psych ward in Oceanside, California, where I went when I was pregnant in such a terrible state. The psychologist there, Dr. Mays, said I had a problem with “old shit,” and I tried to work that out in the weirdest ways. And its so SAD!!! It turned out that was really, literally true, I had a serious problem with constipation throughout my life and that was one of the most salient features of my recent SUICUDE attempts. For 15 years I couldnt go without laxatives.

So, now I have some baselines established for a foundation and a trajectory into the FUTURE.

So, about David. I really did fall in love with him. I had just almost died of pain, for Gods sake. I was recovering from a near death experience. I didnt know who I was or where I was. Existentially.

This was within nIrmal parameters FOR ME. AND FOR HIM!!! It INHERED in my SEXUAL OCD. He ripped me out of my book deliberately to seduce me because that was his MO. Because of the sexual OCD, I couldnt let him get away with that. And then I really did fall in love, but, of course it couldnt go anywhere and when I got out of the hospital I was afraid.

And that held me through 4 years until I met my Ex and left the area

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