Here Done Now

I said that to myself last week about what I wanted and needed and here it is today and I have it: “here, done now;” after decades of peregrinating in self-psychoanalysys.

At the heart of it this is what I see: my father wearing feminine menstrual protection pads for his urinary leakage to parties because incontinence products were “too expensive” and “You have to go out; no matter what.”

The quotes are my mother; who just couldnt believe that her shot at the Manhattan/Hamptons coffee shop/ restarongs had been queered by my fathers stroke. (“Restarong” was her British mispronunciation from my childhood.)

My brother was about to get married to a Manhattan socialite. I had just lost my mind after 2 abortions followed by a baby and a x country move to the West Coast and back again.

OUTSIDE a gas station in Maryland near D.C., I went barefoot into the gas station mini-mart and he took an accidental leak at the gas pump. He was careful to point out to the bystanders, “My problems are physical.” So, we got in the car and drove off.

So, last night and tonight, I watched the Leonardo dicaprio movie, “Inception.” For the last week I have been watching a lot of beautiful movies for the first time in years. Its just blowing my mind; Im catching up on things

After Maryland my father just kind of fell out of my life. There was a steady presence but to my mind it was understood that after he, my father, had the stroke there wasnt really a connection there any more.

Only recently did I realize rhat it was exactly the opposite in his mind and the minds of others, especially here in PA; he was using the impression and APPEARANCE of mental illness to COVER OVER the problems in this family, from his stroke to my brotlthets teenage girlfriends abortion to my sisters jealousy and other troubke SHE (ADMITTEDLY) had in coping with me; and, my mothers lifelong struggle wirh boundary issues, depression, a sleep disorder and and the like because she was prevented from pursuing psych treatment.

I understand now that my son feels that HIS relationship with my father is very important to him and OF COURSE i will support that; but it is also important to ME TO PROTECT MYSELF in this regard.

Si, I want to move out. Thsts all that needs to be said.

It is just snowballing how fast this is happening, this healing and recovery. Here, done, now. For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I am ready to cope on my own withiut the hassles or interference of a caregiver who didnt care.

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