Small One

Racing from the sludge of my 17 year total stoppage lower GI disorder to a place in my fathers heart; apart from one another.

I recollected earlier today. the moment Thanksgiving day at the house in Seminole Things were so desperate. I didnt know whether It was my father who was speaking to me orthe Lord. My son and his friend Colin were in the driveway; I was inside the garage with the door closed smoking a cigarette.

Someone (my father? Or God? I didnt know at the time; now I do.) It was my father He said to me in my mind, “Be my small one again. I have to say, he may not know it himself. It had to be 2011, a year before I left and came here.

This alters my perspective on the situation here.

I had to be here. The forced moves closer and closer to their home (my mother and father’s) DID need to happen. I just didnt know. Like I thought I was supposed to go to Buffalo but I wasnt. I still feel that way sometimes but, intellectually, I know that I wasnt; meant to go to Buffalo.

So all this changes things.

And, today, its necessary for me to understand that I need to make a break from him.

He just didnt understand. I realized he has been locked up inside his own head–from the stroke in 1994, after my son was born–with a very negative view of me. Because he became totally dependent on my mother and she despised me for having a child.

So, all along I was practicing Christian filial piety. “Honor thy mother and father.” I just didnt know it.

But now The Lord Himself is calling me to make a break with him because he is holding me back. Striving for perfection instead of goodness and the like. We just dont see eye to eye.

So, it is sad that at the end of the day this has to happen but, as I said in my last post I have been offended here too many times.

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