I wanted to acknowledge a very special psychiatrist in Florida whom I wasnt able to appreciate at the time, Dr. Alan Feldman.
When I met him I had fled rhe house in Seminole with my sons pet mouse. My mother had come to the house to take my son because I was off my meds and in trouble. My mother didnt like mice and I didnt trust her with Coco.
So, they left for half an hour and I grabbed a few things and her in her small cage and took off for Tampa, planning to go to the DV shelter there. But, they knew me and didnt want me rhere not on psych meds. I will go ahead and say right here that that was THE LAST TIME I EVER DITCHED THE ANTIPSYCHOTIC MEDS without the scrupulous attention of a mental health professional. That was through the help of Feldman. It was something that I had been in the habit of doing after a bad start in psych care and I had become horribly ill. I have to say that, after 17 years of this, Feldman turned me around and put me back on a positive track.
It didnt look like it at the time because I had become PHYSICALLY ILL wirh a horrible lower GI problem and sleep disorder. This all started in 2003. But, I finally was able to let go of an indecent masturbation habit. I an willing to admit tothis proudly because I never thought I could and it was at the heart of my illness, a sexual injury.
AtFeldmans office I got called a psychopath and another time I was told to calk the police on my 10 year old son.
But, it was as it was said in that beautiful, recent Mr. Rogers movie. “If its mentionable its manageable.”
I was prompted to remember Dr. Feldman earlier this evening when the word “inspire” came to mind and I remembered the plaque in his office, he said his grade school teacher had given it to him “Aspire to inspire.” I was such a sick, cynical little bitch back then that I disdained that.
In my own defense I have to point out my British background, my fathers British intellectual rationalism and the stiff upper lip and self-deprecating humor etcetera. Feldman knew that I was HUMAN, he may or may not have had negative thoughts about this stuff but if he did, he handled it very professionally.
He was pretty pissed off about the mouse.
My thoughts ran a lot lower than that, i have a sociopathological theme in my life of relational experiences involving insects.
All my life I was waiting for the wasp rhat was going to get me for the one rhat stung friend R. In Reading when she was a passenger in my car. It never happened. So far. That was 32 years ago.
Then, there was the 3rd grade story about Pepinka the grasshopper that I came across recently. We became best friends and when we grew up we got married.
This story was narrated from beside my mother taking care of my new baby sister.
So, at the state hospital they did a Rorschach test and EVERY SiNGLE INK BLOT looked like an INSECT.
So there is a lot of that kind of stuff in my life, I think it us the British thing, slightly sociopathic in the face of boisterous Americanness which I adore but it sets me off. Then, there is also the female injury.
But, Feldman helped. My case needed a hero and he really was one.