Portal

I wrote a story about Adam and sent it off to Barbara after my son was born and we had moved, in a panic, from Buffalo to Germantown, Maryland.

We started out in California on a farm managers house on an orange ranch. The rroom where our son would have stayed was filled full of furniture and other things. There was no heat. It was summertime. The view was spectacular. It would have been impractical to stay. I took long baths trying to soak out the poison of 2 abortions and the lifetime of cigarettes and psych meds and psych wards and inertia, the OCD was absolutely insane. I am working it out TODAY. 28 years later. Somehow we survived. Not the abortions. My mother and my brother are dead.

So, Adam was a boardmember on the Harvard Advocate, the undergraduate literary magazine; who talked me into running for President of the magazine (the position was termed ‘president’ instead of ‘efitor’), just a month or two after I had been elected to the Prose board. They didnt know me well and I didnt know them. I was absolutely infatuated with Adam.

Looking back, I can see that this all was a portal to them rest of my life and a better one and not to be ashamed over what happened.

I lived in a world of books (1); I was a misunderstood “hi-tech brat” (2); AND (3); I suffered a SEXUAL injury as a child that played into this in a way that was very frightening. TODAY (actually, yesterday), I am able to laugh off the latter as a “sexual lobotomy” to my Kent friend, a private and personal friend who knew me from before Harvard.

So. retroactively I can claim the laurel, “Past Pesident of the Harvard Advocate.” I’ve lived it down.

As for the rest, I was not as broken before as I am now but there is considerable relief in my present condition. The sexuality is dead. Zip Zero Gone. As compared to some frightening situations in the past for everybody concerned. Especially me. It was like I was sexually hypervigilant and the PHYSICAL REASONS FOR THAT have been healing with the estrogen and lifestyle changes and I am in peace. (I am waiting to hear from a nurse at the pelvic pain Doctor’s office as I am speaking.)

So, about Adam, He was the initial draw at the Advocate, he was a delightful person and like something out of a book and my need therein was met. Years later I see that he was an ordinary person; now that my other needs have been met.

I wrote something rude about him in a blog when I was in a terrible stuatuon having movef into a rat infested place in downtown Easton after the divorce in 2012.

And I even went on to insult his father who had become an author.

I went through TERRIBLE FEAR after that; not knowing the reason at the time. It just suddenly came on me, sick, insane terror.

Now I see it!

I ran blind after that. Not really knowing what was going on.

Well, here I am. Today.

Past President of the Harvard Advocate

“Existence precedes essence.”

That’s how it was presented to me and that’s what went down.

Well today I have it the other way around. The Trustee and former Publisher of the magazine whom I saw a few times told me not to be worried about personalities as I feel into a torrent of dread and insecurity. I was not socially competent to handle the position. But, I had just finished writing a computer program for an introductory computer programming course that generated essays on imput poetry!!! And atthat time that was stellar!!! And I was someone who had spent my entire life reading books. The Advocate landed me in a place whete I could work that out: WERNERSVILLE STATE HOSPITAL!!! After seeing a psychologist at home in Summit in ’83 (before the family move to PA in ’85) WHO GAVE ME A BOOK TO READ about psychoanalysis because she didnt know how to do it herself. Then I saw an ace psychoanalyst back in Cambridge and segued from there to my parents care who said FU to the doctors in Boston fot making them take me back by putting me at the state hospital.

There I picked up the first volume of the Tolkien Ring Cycle and started to read. A clever man pulled me out of the book and into the world of the state hospital and my real life began.

So, here, recently, I have gone from paradigm shift to turning over a new leaf; to Phoenix arising from the ashes to Past President of the Advocate. And, after a decade, an apology. I was grasping at a straw Adam. Im so sorry.

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