My father runs me.
I used to be horribly concerned about this because of my sexual immaturity and his.
Friend Robyn in Florida showed me and ex husband Alex that “everybody is a pervert!” lol!!!. He said he and his automechanic buddies cracked weird jokes all day long at the shop. We were all totally sexually hung up, all the men on my ex’s side of the family and mine due to British roots and related WWII issues.
(Robyn was a native Brit.)
So, my father Is ready to kill me over a hint of sexual impropriety where in fact he himself is a hotbed of sexual issues that need to be addressed and that is what I am here to do right here, today. Once and done. Hit it, and move on. This has been going on for 42 years. They Lord is HEALING MY PHYSICAL SEXUALITY ISSUES AND THE OCD that developed around this and everybinng related to it where it the same time all along I had to hang on desperately to the extremely important concept of o THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER; as I helplessly continued to pursue a vain course of self-psychoanalysis.
They say that about college: it doesn’t prepare women for motherhood. Its the opposite. It untrains us.
But, we have that info written in our hearts.
So, college boyfriend Mark did a terrible thing. He had his own issues. I never realized that about him, to me he was the picture of confidence. We didnt really talk. I wonder sometimes what his feelings were, as I look back I see that I was kind of a stalker. Over his teaching me to have a weird little orgasm (its a medical issue for me) it didnt feel very good but it bonded me to him and from then on I had that problem with men and AND, ESPECIALLY, breaking up with men. It completely broke me when that happened to me over college boyfriend, Mark; then, when boyfriend Jeff in Somerville, Mass. did it to me (left me) I went so insane over the idea of another break up that that alone drove me to the state hospital. Then, curiously, as I understand it, his mother had worked at a state hospital in New Jersey, so, he was kind of covered for it.
Herevuscwhere my idsyes wirh Me. bwgket Jynuir cinev7n..
Just like my father and mother, the Advocate crowd was hiding from me. It was about Mr. Begley Junior, who had gotten into my panties after break up with boyfriend Mark; I was a new Advocate member. Adam thought I was pretty. He didnt understand that I had a quite literally insane infatuation with him. He invited me to bed with him and I went to bed with him. I didnt feel good after that. I didnt understand that he was really interested in me as a girlfriend. That he was an ordinary human being.
None of this ever got settled I put it on a back burner somewhere in my mind.
Which takes me to the 3rd and final serious relationship prior to meeting Alex; and all those others were a preparation in some way, for him, Alex, my now ex husband even the ones that I dont now deem serious.
The 3rd serious relationship was friend and lover Mark at the state hospital. They all deny it today because of how things went afterwards with me and Alex. Alex didnt know how to handle himself in American society and I have paid a heavy price.
WERNERSVILLE Mark–as I have said–would probably deny it like anybody else; I felt that it was a beautiful and relationship. And I came apart in a completely mental and psych way that has characterized the rest of my life. Through OCD unvolving painful mental and bodily seizings that rhe Lord is taking off of me, like, TODAY.
When I saw him recently (after I came here from Florida in 2012) I was so sad; we COULDNT connect. I guess that its well hecause our relationship was based on sexuality (in my case, harmed sexuality; he probably didnt know); by that time there had been the additional and extreme harm–after the kneeing in the crotch as a child and boyfriend Mark’s introduction of a weird little clitoral spasm for an orgasm–by that time there had been the additional and DIRE HARM OF THE CLAMP ON MY CLITORIS IN THE ICU when I obviously had a urinary tract infection bcecause I ALMOST DIED JUST FROM THE PAIN.
Recently, I tried to explain my son about “under and over,” where “under” is dead, down, underground, at the state hosoital, post- suicudal; and “over” is real life, the proper disposition of my marriage, not just in monetary ways; forward back to the future: with the living; healing and recovery.
Alex used to say I was living in an “alternative reality.” And thats funny because that really was what the state hospital was like, socially: for the staff for instance, It was a counter culture. A little world, hard to break out of, hard to beat, and I did, never to GI back.
For me, because of the near death experience of the overdose, it was also a moral condition. The program manager, who didn’t like me, said, “This is not Limbo.”
So, they tossed me out in the end for not taking my self-meds. That had to happen.
So, yes, “over” is mapping my marriage through to the present day as alive and well in the living of it all these years.
So, yes, since then I have been screaming in my head a lot peopke just look the the other way. I have been trying to raise a child. I was just blocking it all out. We were “UNDER” through all this. It has been 28 years now and somehow my child as grown and I am proud of him and pleased with him and constantly prayerful in this regard. I am happy just to be alive and happy just to be a Christian. That was the ingredient that was missing all along.