About Men

I have a problem with this.

I learned in the shower that I am being healed.

For some reason I flipped up my poor, heavy breasts. My ex called my bras “boulder holders” and that’s how they became!!! He also commented that he likes SMALL breasts and SMALL hands and feet and I am a SMALL woman with LARGE BREASTS AND HANDS AND FEET. All due to damage. My feet kept creeping up from size 7 12 to size 9 1/2 even though I wasn’t growing in height after age 14 because I started refusing all starch foods for Lent during Freshman Year and then never got my diet back on track.

His sister was a tall woman with black hair. My hair is mousy brown.

My breasts were damaged due to the cuts on my wrists when I was 22. Those silly little cuts COST ME. The veins on the backs of my hands are all screwed up and I slowly lost my manual dexterity over time where it had been extremely good like my high intelligence when I was young. As for my breasts, somehow a nerve pathway there was harmed due to the cuts.

I never lost my brilliancy but it softened and weakened over the abortions.

My ex’s high school girlfriend had had two, and I finally realized that that had played into what happened and have finally been able to get over it.

So, my right breast “dropped” really hard in a weird situaiton back in around 2015 and lost its bounce. I was in pain after that. A couple of weeks ago, as I have been wearing soft bras at night and taking a shower daily. As I said, for some reason I flipped my my breasts a few times in the shower and then I realized that they had been “painfully numb” (that is my own expression) and the nipple-to-clit connection was restoring, it was like some nerves that had sunken deep into my abdomen were coming back up. Those are the words that I have to try to explain it. A couple of weeks later, the pain in my belly that I have had for 29 years since the first, awake abortion procedure, has GONE AWAY!

Everything is painful, like horribly serious arthritis, but those acute pains–the sexual pain–is gone!

Here I am a 59-year-old woman with a whole new life ahead of me.

Im not sure about my condition.

In Florida i was distorted I had spastic nipple erections.

It was absolutely horrible to go through the checkout lane at any supermarket in Pinellas County, all of them were manned by young men in their teens working hours after high school. It was so embarrassing.

There were other issues that I would prefer not to revive.

None of it is happening any more. This stuff was public and visible and known.

I have finally lived it down. There was some PHYSICAL DOWNTRAINING that was needed and in this long lovely respite her at this remote and secluded place I have been able to do that.

We all had to live with it, including me, In case anyone thinks that that was a picnic for me, it wasn’t.

This takes me back to Berks County, PA, where I was living as homeless. My parents had legally disowned me and didn’t even say anything about it. I learned it from getting a piece of paper at the state hospital. As I have said so often, I got involved with a very sick person there and an only now really able to relinquish that.

And that takes me further back to college, Where I did weird things in bed with men. And, to support that, I will report that I wore weird clothing, like my mother’s 50’s style dance dress and discount outlet clothes like the debutante dress I wore to Manhattan on an ordinary weekday afternoon to see friend R. And I danced weird.

So, I am hearing it from my son.

This is my bullshit.

There is a movie that Alex (me ex) had me watch.

About a Mafia daughter and the man who saved her from it. That was just “her bullshit.”

I am a Hi-tech leading light daughter. That is my bullshit.

We are weird in hi-tech. Our father’s are impossibly brilliant and usually deficient in other regards.

Some have a sense of mission; others just enjoy their work.

This stuff was all for my ex to work out and he didn’t and I don’t really know why.

He is an engineer with a university degree. That was good. He is Canadian, that was perfect.

He grew up for high school on a military base in Germany just like I grew up on the top of an Appalachian Mountain in Kent, CT for high school.

He was part of the “UNB Mafia”–that’s what they called the survey engineering program that he was in there; I had been on the Harvard Advocate, the oldest continuously published undergraduate literary magazine in the United States.

We were ethnically identically matched so our son is too: equally Anglo-Saxon and Celtic (Scottish and Irish.).

On MY side there are a dozen more reasons for the match. On his side, he doesn’t feel that way.

He loved my family. I loved his family.

There were the cats: I had serious issues with cats in my life and he was ironically a member of Clan Chattan, Clan of the cat. There was the Satanic possession frp, the state hospital. HE had been in a Satanic motorcycle gang in Canada for a while and should have been able to proactively field this a very long time ago.

We are perfectly WRONG for each other in exactly the way each of our parents were for each other according to the Chinese Horoscope; that had me hung up through our whole marriage because his father was hung ujp on it about his mother and his father told me about it.. Then, I finally recently saw that that could be an argument IN FAVOR of our marriage; it was like an “old shoe:” comfortable and familiar; that is one of my ex’s favorite expressions. He has a ton of them from his father, who was an officer in the Canadian military.

His mother disdained me. She just didn’t know about my mother. She mocked her as the “English mother.” My mother was a serious problem for me at that time. It WAS the problem that I was having. There just wasn’t a way to explain to her. Even his sister, a Canadian university graduate, didn’t understand.

The shit got deeper and deeper.

My American friends didn’t want to have anything to do with me. My English family DID. And that was simply lovely and what makes it all work. Cousins Emma and Jeff, my father’s father and my mother’s mother all showed up to make the baby welcome. and the cards came from England. I had never really been connected with them before, my parents had excommunicated me. All along in my life this was going on, I had silent partners in England that I never heard from but it WAS there all along and it DID prove through once I had Ian. I had alienated so many friends and family members. It really wasn’t my fault but it was the fact. They took news from my parents. My mother rested on her motherhood and couldn’t possibly refuse that fundamental acknowledgement of me and my son: I had had a baby!

She did it once more recently with my evil sister, who was visiting me in the apartment in Trexlertown just before I moved to the trailer park and took the overdose. She was about to make a rude mark based on the PhD. when I was involved with something about my son who was in trouble and my mother stopped her.

Its weird, it’s like that gave me the confidence to make the suicide attempt, because generally I felt like such a piece of shit at that time that I couldn’t even do that for myself. So, I took a HUGE overdose and almost died and since then I have been getting beautiful help, especially for my sexuality issues, which IS what was needed.

It was horrible what I was going through on the psych ward after the overdose and then on the Extended Acute Care Unit. And then at the Boarding Home, same thing. I was having terrible issues with my sexuality. People know, I am not going to say it here. I am reprieved and redeemed. God straightened that out for me.. H literally straightened out that bad nerve. I don’t know if it is restored or just gone. I dont know whether I am able to have sex or not. But I don’t have those unpleasant impulses any more. And the psycho-sexual healing is an important part of the general healing in this regard.

It is a whole new world for me.

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