Falling out of Your Class in America

I used to say to my ex husband that I could talk to absolutely anyone because of the places I have been.

For instance, I used to randomly and idly talk to men hanging out on street corners by Grand Central Station in New York CIty, and the like. I always talked to foreign cab drivers and a few times I talked to New York City bus drivers until my college boyfriend said that wasn’t normal.

All that was a precursor of what was to follow.

There were other inklings. I read a three part article in the New Yorker Magazine about a woman at Bellevue Mental Hospital in New York City. And, with fascination, a New York TImes full page article about a serial killer; an interview with his girlfriend.

Some of this could have been coming to me from my Uncle G. in England, my mother’s younger brother, who tried to drown himself in the River Thames in London when he was 21 and I was a child; and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution in England.

My mother had issues and this was one of them.

I was another.

Ive told oh so many times about the crotch injury and other things.

I have been galvanized in my life through trying to do my best to raise my own son while everyone does their level best to prevent me.

And, of course, that is the most important thing in my life. and that is pretty much what we all go through in this weird age of women in the work force and being untrained from traditional women’s roles that used to foster a child-rearing society.

I wrote in my last post about the woman at the boarding home. who sided with a person who was abusing me and I have figured out what that is about.

I got on well with others at the state hospitai Berks County when I went there when I was in my twenties, until my boyfriend there left and a woman came into the unit whom I had trouble with. I ended up running away. But the doctor in town made me go back. I met female patient G.B. and thought that I could “map” the problem I was happening across her, as she was telling me all about her horrible childhood and I thought she was asking for that kind of fostering. by talking to me about it, it’s hard to explain, I pray that it was anything harmful what I was thinking/doing. I think that the term is “reflecting,” where there was a validation of my pain in being able to help her with hers

She was constantly bumming cigarettes and she came into the bathroom one time when I was IN THE BATHTUB to ask for a cigarette and I said “NO!” as loud as I could.

I didn’t think anything of this but, as we were both getting ready to leave (separately) she was at the nurses station complaining about something and I heard her saying something about yelling the yelling “No!:” that was what it sounded like, and the unit psychotherapist was right there and stepped in and tried to help me but I didn’t know how to let him I couldn’t believe that this person was getting me into trouble but she WAS.

So, we both left the Lodge Program and both wound up at the partial hospital program in the City of Reading and became friends. I was taking her all over the place in my Dodge Colt, I had lots of friends.

I ADORED HER! I saw her as clown-like and loving and funny.

She said at one point, “I have needs too.”

I heard from other friends the things she said to me behind my back but I didn’t get it..

Sometimes I just didn’t feel like seeing her and once I drove around the block instead of picking her up from the Day Program. She was standing outside and I just drove by. As at the State Hospital, I felt like I was being treated like I had some kind of greater moral obligation.. Its ironic, I wasn’t really treated as an equal.

Then there was something I did that I really oughtnt to have and I am not going to repeat it here.as it was already confessed dozens of times.

And it led to WORSE THINGS.

SHE WAS A BITCH! G.B. was a bitch. And she got me into trouble in a really personal regard that I may never recover from.

I have wandered all over the continent in her tracks; winding up in Clearwater, Florida where her parents used to go via AutoTrain; and there I sctually did run into her several times and she denied it was her but I was able to verify it. And now I have seen her back here again, her parents (and her) were from Allentown, 20 minutes away. This has been going on for the better part of my adult life.

Now I need to make a place here for myself and I sense that she an issue.

Like Daisy. My time was mortgaged to her and her “kittens” (we kept all four) for 20 years.

“Jesus, Mary, and all the saints and angels in Heaven keep time in perfect justice because of Love.” (St. John of the Cross.)

I was so sick then I really couldn’t help myself.

Since then I have reduced my smoking.

Quit a horrible masturbation habit.

Starting showering properly EVERY DAY for the first time in my life.

Learned how to make decisions and choices in the smallest as well as the largest regards.

Learning how to cook for myself and manage food.

Managing the lives of two lovely cats.

Found medication that works for me.

Learning to write.

Organizing my diagnosis for proper MH treatment as well as physical treatment for physical causes of my MH issues.

Saving the best for last. I was finally baptized as a Catholic Christian, here in Berks County, and have spent 2 decades deeply immersed in prayer.

So, it’s been a lovely time here with my father these last few years, I finally got to come home.

With one thing and another I am a very different person after 21 years of marriage and 30 of motherhood. and I pray that I can be a competent person in the community here in the Lehigh Valley Area.

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