That’s why I had to bring the cats in. I got it when the winds came up suddenly as I finished eating. Also, that was probably why the “seizure-gasm” at the Rite Aid in town last night where I went for my second COVID vaccination shot. There was so much static that I errupted.
A man there triggered it. I was avoiding making eye contact as I usually do because people, especially men, invade me through my eyes in a way which is horrible for me triggering a frightening and embarrassing sexual response. This got me in trouble donkeys years ago when I was on the psych ward here after my son was born. I said “avoid avoid” under my breath all day long to steer my way through the hallways to avoid this painful contact. It made people mad There was no way to explain. I’m not sure whether I still do that. Haven’t thought about it lately.
But, yes, the tension here has been so extremely lately. I was planning a gentle move to nearby Emmaus but my ex has been stalling on the money that I am asking him for and it got so bad waiting that I finally blew my top. I contacted my old psychotherapist in Florida and asked him if he would see me again if I moved back there and he said that he would. So, my impression is that everybody is mad at me now after saying for months that I was “pending the move to Emmaus.” Then, there is my son, who wants me to stay here, and I have a doctor I have in my head who says that he shouldn’t have to made that decision. That we are probably too close and he would probably do better off without me.
So, as these things percolate I am also remembering my brother’s death through suicide in November of 2018, which was set aside because of my mother’s death back in February of last year.
All this has brought a watershed and I am called to explain and sort out some thiings.
First of all, about the “seizure-gasms.” They are related to the pinched nerve in my ankle, neck, and spine; but also, obviously the urethral and clitoral injury from childhood and how that played out over time with further harm. It was happening all the time in Florida when I lived there with my ex-husband and son from 1996 to 2012. I always remembered the time when I went to K-mart in town and I was pushing my cart into the store and all of a sudden the lights seemed really bright and I felt confused. I took the cart and tried to do my shopping but wasn’t able and left the store and somehow I drove home,, an easy drive on local roads. And got home and lay down. My son was familiar with the curvature in my spine. When we were out socially and I froze up he would place the palm of his hand on the middle of my back. and I would be fine then. It is bittersweet, looking back, on how much he helped me when he did not get what he should have in return.
So, here, after a suicide attempt of my own in late 2016, I was on the Extended Acute Care Unit in Allentown for 8 months. They did help me but it was in a pretty horrible way. The doctor didn’t understand that the sexuality issues WERE THE REASON for my being there; not the reason to set me aside.
With the prompting from my son’s girlfriend I am finally back on my feet in that regard; with regard to that suicide attempt which had me knocked flat. Nobody thought I was going to live. My brother’s death convinced me never to do that again.
In the meantime, with this pandemic, I am digging deep and able to resolve all those issues that had me that way. I wish that brother Steven could have been a part of it and that the lies that were being told could clear.
Going way back to Harvard University 1979. Have the paradigm shift to child-birthing in Buffalo, NY 10 years after projected graduation instead. Ditch the rest.
I am happy with my life.