I am at home for the first time since I was 14 years old.
I had a baby by my father when I was 13. I was forced to abort him.
His name was Arthur Ambrose.
I was sent away to a boarding school and blocked it all out.
I had a roommate; I won’t give her name. She was Black; she was a scholarship student from Harlem. I just fell in love with her. She taught me about sex.
But, something terrible happened. She was being raped by an English teacher. She told;. She got killed for it. I didn’t know at the time. It happened after I stopped rooming with her. I pieced all this together after I left the Horsham Clinic 3 weeks ago.
***I have an exceoption to this. I do not KNOW that this happened. I just thought it If I KNEW that it happened I probably wouldn’t have said it.
I thought all this was my fault. I just blocked it out. At the Horsham Clinic I called it “Teenage Wasteland” (like the Who song); but at the time I didn’t feel that way. I remember sitting on my bed alone and numb, staring into space, sicking out of classes, hanging onto my lost friend, my lost horse that they took away, and Arthur Ambrose whom they took from me. I just sat there feeling like something was terribly wrong.
Donkeys’ years later I met my husband, Alex. He gave me two aborted babies. I finally figured out that these two children were gifts. They helped me to hold onto my born son, Iain. And they helped me to find Arthur Ambrose. They also helped me to find the “Calcified Child:” This really happened. There was a twin in my belly. I remember Iain thrashing around when they did the ultrasound. I remember when they said to deliver the afterbirth and nothing came out. I remember when I was in the quiet room on the psych ward in Florida talking about putting “half a baby” in the trash.
So, the “wart/mole” came off my face 3 months ago and I am freed from a world of pain. I came into the world “kissing, licking, sucking, and biting.” It was just so strange. I explained to someone that it was a moment “full of beauty and grace” and she agreed that she just couldn’t understand.
I am an old woman of almost 60 and it didn’t seem beautiful to her in the way that it seemed beautiful to me.
After all these years of pain and suffering, I have my life in order and in place.