I heard in my head last night that a genealogical search would show that I was not Jewish.

That led me to feel so lost.

I said to myself, and to my son in a text, “I got really pompous over thinking that I was a Jew but I’m suddenly realizing that maybe I’m not.” “Just an ordinary Christian” “Our family was always sheltered by Jews.” “Because we were unclean.” “Iain I’m lost.”

I have been broadcasting to everyone for decades that I was likely Jewish. Since shortly after Iain’s birth. My mother supported this. She believed it about herself. There were so many things that supported the idea. Almost all of our family friends in the Northern New Jersey suburbs were Jewish, they were immigrant, European intellectuals, and our English, immigrant family found a home with them.

My boyfriends were Jewish and so were some of my brother’s girlfriends.

Recently, I went really overboard with this, calling myself a Holy Jew called to Jesus. A “Jew for Jesus.” Then I retracted that as, never having been a PRACTISING Jew, I didn’t have the same issues. I deemed myself a Jew persecuted by the Irish Catholic in my heart and found out what a strange, lonely bird I was. I realized that, either way, I could be called to Jesus at any time; any person under the sun can be called to Jesus at any time in their walk. So, I looked up “Anglican” and wasn’t welcomed and looked up Catholic and was directed to Franciscans; and then was led to pray a Novena to St. Francis for the mouse in Florida that died a horrible death and did so and now I am praying a Novena to St. Francis for her and the other animals and donating to a Franciscan ministry online.

Now I have to reevaluate everything based on not being a Jew at all, just being harbored by Jews all my life. This is humbling for me. It is a weakness and everybody knows that a weakness is often a form of strength. Perhaps because it is humbling. On the way home, I fled to Cocoa the mouse for shelter when I went near something big that I needed to shy away from. I will be talking about it tomorrow. Not today. Cocoa was just like the mouse famed in Aesop’s fable. I always knew it would be that way some day.

I made a terrible joke about the Jewish community a few years ago that my father made public. I desperately want to take that back. I was under a terrible strain. I had openly stated sexual abuse in front of my nephew, which was a sensitive matter. I was being shamed and didn’t know what else to do. I told a shocking joke about Jews to cover it over. Then, several other shocking jokes that weren’t reported. I couldn’t believe what my father did. I never heard about it I just sensed what he was doing. I don’t even want to apologize for this, I just want to take it back. I shouldn’t have said it and it also shouldn’t have gotten out. I THOUGHT I WAS JEWISH MYSELF! I understand now the issue. I WASN’T JEWISH! That’s why it went against me so badly. I was mentallly confused in this regard. I thought I was appealing to my own for help and I wasn’t. I made some handicapped jokes, and that WAS appealing to my own. A joke about Jews was NOT appealing to my own. It was a bad word about people who helped out our family in desperate need in the worst situations in our life. We were taken in by a Jewish couple in Buffalo–our landlords– when I was in such a desperate condition when I was having my baby. Just as my mother was when we were in Northern New Jersey.

Please, please forgive me for that. horrible joke.

That is all I have to say for today.

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