I went blind today.
My son got hit by a dart in the eye in Seminole about 2008. It was the worst day in my life.
I was in England. After a horrible flight. I had to wait a day before I could even get on a flight home and he had to wait until a woman who had cared for him for years was willing to sign an authorization for the surgery. Then, my husband and I returned.
I am sitting here smoking. Less.
I am finally holding on to sympathetic pain for that surgery and everything that followed. Some 13 years later.
I am going through CURRENT PSYCHOANALYSIS. With a lovely psychoanalyst from decades ago with whom I stayed in touch over the years, we lost touch but I always stayed connected in my mind. Then, over the years I called him from time and reconnected and then disconnected again.
So, here I sit. I am realizing about Seminole and everything I went through there. I am getting it about “RECTROACTIVE INTERPOLATION”, a lovely concept I finally discerned during my recent stay at the Horsham Clinic in Ambler, PA, an excellent facility; after losing the mole/wart simplex by the side of my nose during a small surgery in late June. I realized that it is a mathematical concept for the underlying principle of psychoanalysis that completely justifies it to the scientific community and completely resolves the fantastic argument that existed in the 80’s when there was a horrifying dispute over medication versus therapy that had me hogtied when I was trying to receive treatment. Today, the medication has improved so considerably and I have the medications I need that I did not have then, so I have to accept that the whole “industry” just wasn’t where it needed to be at the time. I was another “little soldier” myself at that time.
So, now, we need to “retroactively interpolate” psychoanalysis itself! back over those times now that we have these excellent new medications in place; it is now appreciated that both medications AND therapy are necessary.
So; here I sit.
Doing laundry today. Some physical exercise is warranted and necessary.
So, I am looking back at the time in Seminole; before the dart, eye injury and seeing it so differently. That house WAS A MESS before we moved in. I just didn’t see it. Those people WERE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. They had it all cleaned up and spruced up for the home sale. I just didn’t see it. I was wowed by the place. Then, the cockroaches came out. I year later, I saw a rat casually ambling out in the night. I thought that was about me and my husband. Now I see it all. That place was a disaster zone. The previous owners before the previous owners had driven a car into the living room. The bathroom in the master bedroom was tiny and would drive any couple apart, as it did us.
The devil took me! Satan can take on a very beautiful appearance! Pleasing to the eye! As in the quote from Paradise Lost: “fold upon fold, a verdant maze…” (or something like that). That place appeared utterly beautiful! But it was not. It was like that. “fold upon fold…” It had dark corners… And we were lost.
But the Lord has reasons for things and now I do see how I was moved to do things too quickly at moments in my life before when I needed to sit still through some pain and I just didn’t know how to at the time.
So, yes, I see it about how Seminole was like going back to Wernersville State Hospital in a way that I needed to and then I went to Feldman and I got my ears and nose cut off through that lovely passage in the Bible about a loose woman so that I would stop MASTURBATING which was such a horrible habit and I was led to it through the indecent way I was passed around at Harvard University and Kent School to be used and raped by men for my SEIZURE DISORDER that was released by apparent orgasms that were actually SEIZURES that were generally suppressed by the wart/mole simplex, it just felt so good for the SEIZURES to be released by sexuality that I actually sought it out in a way but in the end I was being USED for it and that was what was happening in Seminole in the end, I was masturbating to relieve the tension from how I was being used by people.
So, I had to quit and Feldman helped me do it.
End of story for now.