Its over with my Dad

Like i said in my last post, zero tolerance for acting out sexually and acting out in general.  I brought it up with my mother, the enbarassing outbursts, its happened three times.  He jeers at me insanely if i bring up an issue with him, i dont even get a sentence out before he starts lambasting me, “oh this is your conspiracy theory again” (actually i needed to talk about something embarassing and he was way out of line).  “Let her fight with herself” ( i was scared that he was mad at me over a comment i made about the book he just finished putting together and i was appealing to him for mercy, as i was on my way to the bankrupcty lawyer with my mother and was afraid of a backlash from them at the lawyers office.  Its the kind of thing they would do, but i realize i was also being super paranoid but thats the point, he is an 84 year old man and you would think he would have some skills to hablndle allthis, im embarrassed to even write about it.  The other time i went to him over an old issue, 35 years old, with a college roommate that just came back to mind because she recently published a note in the book that comes out every 5 years after never venturing to publish one before.i brought it to fathers attention when i apologized to him for the nasty comment about his book, i had a bad history with this roommate over a story i wrote about her that she unfortunately saw, that used very cutting language about her.  I was disturbed at that time because my father had mentally and sexually abused me when i was 17, and when i got to Harvard (i didnt care any more that i was going to Harvard,) it turned out that her father, my roommate’s, knew my father WELL from early Silicon Valley days.  It was over before it even started.  When i went to him about this, after apologizing for the nasty remark i had made in light of being left out of the family and scapegoated, adding insult and further injury to the injury that happened when i was 17, and thats the sadism involved, he complained, “shes trying to involve me…”  WHAT?

So just now i went to my mother about him, she came over here to the cottage wbere i stay to organize some of the junk and stuff thats gathered here,  then i went over to rhe kitchen for lunch and she was there and my father was there and they got lost in a coversation and i wasnt listening and my mother couldn’t remember something she was trying to remember and we were all stuck at the same time and my son said to me in my mind “youve won” and my father was blocking my mother and then he started talking about the squirrel story that was a sensitive issue yesterday and i had to brace myself and then one of them said the  word cut and they went with it and i got up and kept moving –“or else your dead” my sons voice said to me in my mind.  I put my plate in the dishwasher.  “It was cut” he said.  I went outside to smoke .  Then   “To the cottage” my sons voice said to me in my mind, so i came back over here withiut another word to them, “not another word,” my sons voice said to me, and ive been over here for an hour now, and i got down on my knees to pray, and reassurance washed over me,  “i won” i forgot about the rest, it went off of me, its just a silly game.  Only i cant figure out exactly what i won or whether my mither was trying to help me or not.

As of yesterday (Sunday) im on my way to becoming a Catholic.   I see the Sister on Wednesday for my first RCIA class.  I think things will be becoming clearer to me as i move through the weeks and months of Catholic initiation.  My father is incensed that i have made a move to formally join the Church.  That has been his superiority over us in his mind, that he was a Catholic in his youth.

I occurs to me to be grateful to them for letting me stay with them because obviously its difficult for them both.  But they also want help, it works both ways

Victory

Joined the Carholic Church today.

Im still fighting with my father, this has been going on since Monday and my son alerted me this morning that hes “acting out” sexually, picturing getting a blowjob, to be specific.  Its horrifying of course, but ut was verifued me when we were watchibg the news about rape and other atricious war tactics in the Middle East, monsters:  you could see the guilt passing through his mind.  Right now hes over there watching a 60s romantic comedy with my mother, lost to the world;  i said sonething ro draw hus attrntion aeay from the moviebliss and then came back over here to the cittage where i stay.  There will be zero tolerance fir sexual pressures past, present, or future.  That isnt part of an obligation if acceoting finsncial help from your family.

I just want ti be happy.  Everything is going my way except this situation with my father and therefore my mother.  I had a beautiful meeting with the pastor at the Catholic Church and will be contacted next week by the Sister about weekly meetings.  I am very excited.  I know this is a stark contrast to my last paragraph, rhats rhe problkem im having.  The pressure here is unacceptable and i dont kniw whst i can do any differently, i told the Priest i would stay here for a year,  but it gets si bad here.  I felt that the Lord was putting me here, i guess i need to go back to the beginning, where i was like a big sister to thern.  It got complicated because if the 2200$ for the lawyer.  He felt he had to taje it out on me, the 24k debt and the 2k fee.  Ih well, lets let it be over then.  But its NOT .  I just dont know what to do.

Absent

Its Thursday, ive been awzy since Sunday.  Since that time, an embarrassment if RICHES.  1)  i got medicaid, so i can get dental work and the probkem if the civerage gao fir nedicatiob us solved.  2)  my mother plunked down the 2200$$ for a bankrupcty lawyer–i can handle the rest; God bless her eternally for this.  She made me wait for a year and a half through a suicide attempt, 2 hospitals and 4 months at a boarding home but she finally fid it.  Out if the fire, back into the more comfortable frying pan.  3)  my rep payee, who controls my money, has agreed to pay for the retech for my book, “California, a ProLife Novel.”  Once they figure out how to process rhe financial transaction the book will be on its way.  4)  i see a priest TOMORROW about BAPTISM.  Its rhe biggest moment ofmy life (other than childbirth.)  I pray he cabt sa y no.  I like the church building and i liked meeting him afterward as i said in my post, “Catholic Church.”  5)  i saw my son on Tuesday and we had an awesome time, he is clean for the first time since grade school, i found out.  We finally talked.  (I finally listened.)  He is doing WELL.

So i had si much GOOD WORK to do yesterday (filing two years income tax, mailing thankyou cards to the hospitals i stayed in, coping with my mother), that i got stressed and overwhelmed .  Ive had the usual problem  this time Satan mounted a huge attack surrounding our seeung the bankruptcy lawyer because it was so desperately important.  My brain was fried from all the psychological stress.  I finally realuzed the problem yestetday, Wednesday, morning , after suffering in desperation since Monday afternoon.

Im still suffering from the backlog.  I git a clue today that its important to KEEP THE FAITH.  Im fighting with my mother and father, and it gets really bad and bleak.  Theres noone here to hold into.  I have to pray to St Francis. Patron saint of animals, for help with my sons cats, who were traumatized by staying alone here in tbe cottage since he left a year ago, they got fed but they were mosty left alone.  They get frantic and they want atterntion when im busy with something desperate, its a problem that is teaching me sensitivity and patience greater thsn what i had so i dont mind at all but it tests me at times.

Right now im feeling a little lost, i hoped that posting would reorient me but NO.  Im back to i wS when i started.   “You will be guided” s voice in my thougjts szud to me.  And my son was thrilled to be my son.  Well i guess thats not a bad place to be.

Cheers

Oh yes and i have a new psychotherapist, relatively new, who i saw today as an outpatient for the second time, she is a”Bible Christian,” and i have a new physicsl therapist, who is aldi an outspoken Christian, who i saw on Tuesday fir the second time, who has given me relaxation stretches to di and advused me to find a difgerent place to live.

So i guess my brain is about to crack from overload.

Its all good.

Catholic Church

Went to 1100 mass yestetday.

All bets are off.   At church, i heard the truth for the first time.  The Reverend talked about Jesus on the road to Emmaus and i believed him as i would believe my father if i could, which i cant, he is a lecher and a liar.  It was plain as day what he said and i believed.  Suddenly i am a true and churchgoing Christian.  I will call this week about baptism.  I will go again next Sunday.

Allelujah.

Amen.

 

Fire under my butt

My mother fell on the 3 step stone stairway up to the atrium last night.  She was coming to the cottage, where i was, to turn off the oil burning stove for the springtime.

I helped her of course.  But it triggered nasty memories that left me in an unpleasant frame of mind.  She was worried that she would  have a bruise on the side of her face.  Fortunately it was only a slight one as if this morning.  She said she didn’t want my father to know.  I went in to see if she was okay around 1000.

It triggered memories from when i was 24 and lost control with her and hurt her badly after the overdose when i was damaged by the catheter snd nobody knew,  i had a convulsant episode and she got in the way.  They called it an assault.  All these years they’ve held it against me and used it to keep me out of the family and sweep things under the rug.  Its a crying shame.  They called it an assdault and the stupid psychiatrist bought it and turned me over to the witch doctor psychiatrist and after that i never saw the light of day.

So today the LORD is clearing me of it.  The question is wbether my family will be a part of it or not–my birth family that is.  My husband and son will be.  But i dint know whether i will be continuing to stay here at my mother and father’s home.  They have been giving me a bad time.  The physical therapist i saw on Thursday urged me to find a diffetent living situation.  She wont undertake serious therapy with me until i do.  Shes a Christian and also urged me to find a faith family

So anyway that puts a fire under my butt.

 

 

Lost Purse

I put my purse on the top if the car at the Wellness clinic 35 minutes away, yesterday, and forgot it and drove away!  I didnt discover rhe loss until i got home.  It was terribke, i was scheduled to see ny son for the first time in about 5 months , a sensitive meeting.  I was panicked!  And he brought a girl!  There was a sensitive list of personal complaints rhat i had just presented to the doctor and i was SCARED.  I had just opened up my whole soul for the first time in my life.

Well right away i said to myself, “God did this.” I suffered rhrough the day and got to sone really heavy healing.   I forgave my son fur an incincident of physical harm that i had not known how to let go of, and i repented of throwing coffee at him in the aftermath.  I had not been able to let go of that either, fir a dufferent reason:  i got taseref by the police for it, and ive been physically propelled by it ever since.   Believe me, you dont want to get tasered.

Well the pokuce officer who found my purse (he said he was right behind me while i was driving away from the clinic with the purse on top of my car) had to have seen tbe list but he gave me the kindest smile.  I felt forgiven.  Im due back at the clinic on Thursday for a therapy session and now im ready to forget the awful moments of talking with the doctor AND the therapist about everything on that shaneful list and go back in rhere as a human of being.  I had gotten scared for a moment on tbe way back here.

So i am at a powerful place of healing, too much to express it a ll.  I think that the Lord is rewarding me for cutting down my smoking, He showed me that Satan was overrunning me as my smokong was increasing so i cut it bsck.  Its HARD but im getting the hang of it.

Conflict

My mother chased my father round the dining room table with a knife after they got married.  She told me so.  So its not hard to guess wht he never disciplined het.  But come on.  Bestiality is nit pretty.  My father has written a book for friends and family.  I caught sight of the picture in it of my mother with the raccoon and i wont be going near it.  I have HORRIBLE issues with my mother over her wild animals.  Children brought rescued baby aninsla to her, ultimately they ended up in a shoe box at the foot of my bed and died in the night.  St i had to face what she was getting credit for protecting the other chikdren from, the poor little animsls dying.  The friggin raccoon sucked on its penis and nibbled scabs from her kegs.  He charged the door if my bedroon in the morning.  I was ostracized for disliking this part if my family ‘s life, even the two ministets at the church she associated with encouraged her and were critical of me that i had a negative attitude about this.  I was attending Harvard for Christ’s sake.  More in this later, its coming up now as old issues surface in the course of day to day frictions when things can no longer be swept under the rug .